when i first heard that you were pregnant, my heart broke for you. broke because i wanted so much more for you and it made me so sad to think about how your life was going to change so completely from what it could have been. i was sad because your life was just beginning. you had just graduated high school. you didn't even have the chance to go to college and experience all the things that teach you so much about yourself, and other people. all of a sudden, you were thrust into this position of being a mom when you couldn't possibly be ready for it. of course i was projecting because i wasn't ready to be a mom at 24, so i just assumed the same for you at 18.
but it's funny because my feelings of sadness for you have totally changed. i'm not sad for you anymore. i don't wish different for your life. all the things you could have learned about yourself and others in college, you're still going to learn.... just differently. your life is just going to take a different path. and that's okay. the thing is- i KNOW you're going to be an amazing mom. and that's the bottom line. you're going to be great. and you're going to raise an amazing daughter. and i'm so proud of you. if anyone can be in this position and make the best out of it, it's you. now i'm just happy and excited for you.
you are going to have hard days. hell, you'll have hard weeks... months even. and it's all part of the process. i remember just wanting to get away. i longed for my freedom when i could do what i wanted, when i wanted and sometimes i resented being tied down and not being able to run to the store at midnight if i wanted too. it wasn't that i even wanted to go to the store at midnight really... it was the point that now i couldn't. nothing i wanted to do was easy anymore. everything had strings attached. everything had stipulations. it was a feeling of being controlled, and i loathe feeling controlled. it was an adjustment for sure. and somewhere along the line, my way of thinking changed. it became less and less about me, and more and more about blake. but the best part was, i was okay with that. and i wanted that. because it was more important to me. blake became my priority, but it took me a little bit of time to get to that point and be okay with it mentally. it sounds like i'm an awful mom, but i like to think i'm just honest. when you're not ready to give up so much of who you are for someone else, you fight it with all you have. personally, i think it's kind of logical, but that's just me.
meeting guys will be more difficult. trust me, i know. i met all kinds. the guys who are totally into you until you reveal the fact that you're a mom. i think i even saw trails of dust follow some of them as they bolted. and that act alone had me sometimes feeling bad that i was a mom. FEELING BAD. so then i stopped telling people that i had a son. i tried to tell myself that "it wasn't anyone's business that i have a child" when the truth was that i didn't want to see their reaction to finding out that i had one. i didn't want to feel bad about having a kid and for some reason, i allowed these random guys judgement to affect me. i got over it pretty quickly though and figured out that i didn't want the type of guy who couldn't handle the simple facts anyway. so i told everyone. because the truth wasn't only that i had a son... it was that i had a kick-ass son! and any guy who couldn't be a man and handle that, wasn't man enough for me. there are other types of guys too. the ones who still try to date you but completely ignore the fact that you have a kid (even though they know). they call you and hear a baby crying in the background and literally ask, "so what are you up to?" WHAT AM I UP TO?!?!! i always wanted to strangle those fucktards through the phone lines. so many more crappy types of guys that i wish you wouldn't have to meet, but i know you will. but the bottom line is, it takes a very special type of guy to date a single mom. and he'll be worth it. just always remember that you're constantly teaching your daughter and you'll be her biggest influence. give her a relationship to admire, look up to, emulate. we teach strength through our actions, not our words. when the time is right, you and peyton will find that perfect man. it took me over 5 years, but it was worth it. it will be for you too.
i know this is long, but i still have more to say. i always wondered why no one told me about the guilt. the mommy guilt. that guilt of no matter what you do, it will never be enough. even though your sanity will require you to not read that book one more time, you'll feel guilty about it for days. i haven't figured out how to beat this feeling. all i know is that if i spent 10 hours with blake, i'd feel guilty that i didn't spend 11. it's just the way being a mom works. and trust me when i tell you that you will carry it all on your shoulders, and in your heart. even when you have someone to help lighten your load, the guilt part doesn't lessen. and dammit, it exists for EVERY decision, every question, every action. you will second guess yourself for everything. you will feel guilty for trying to maintain balance. a happy woman, is a happy mom. and having time for yourself is essential in maintaining balance and your freaking sanity. but don't worry, you'll feel guilty for that too. i wish i could give you advice to make it easier, but i just don't think there is any. even when you've made the best, most rational decision- you will still question yourself. you will still feel like you could have done more. you will still beat yourself up. i'll tell you not too, but you still will. i guess just know that it's normal. it means you're a mom.
one other thing i wish people would have told me, or hell, even admitted- was that there will be times when you will lose your cool. it simply isn't possible to maintain your patience and be calm & collected 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. and anyone who tells you it is, is a filthy lying whore. there will be times that harming that innocent angel will cross your mind. you'll want her to stop crying. or just sleep. or something. but the thing is, you won't hurt her. you wouldn't hit her, or throw her outside with the dogs- but you might want too. and the thought might cross your mind, but you'd never do it. and then the stupid guilt will come in, because "what kind of mother EVEN THINKS about hitting their kid to shut them up?!?!!" um, every one. it's just that most are afraid to admit it. they think it makes them a bad mom. i think it makes us all imperfect humans. there is a strong difference between thinking nasty thoughts, and actually following through on them. i just don't ever want you to feel like you're the only one. because you won't be.
after this last part, i'm shutting up. i want you to know that i'm here for you whenever you need me. i'll be able to relate to so much of what you will go through, that i'd love nothing more than to help you through it. i don't worry about you though. i really don't. i have total faith that you are going to be unbelievable and everyone will be so impressed by you. you make me proud and i can't wait to watch you grow into an even more amazing woman and mommy. i love you shells.
ps- i didn't mean for all of this to be so hard and so bummer out sounding. there will be SO many amazing days and moments that you'll want to bottle them up so that you never forget them. you will have so many incredible experiences with your daughter. things that will make every hard part, totally and completely worth it. it's going to be a hell of a ride- in every way possible and i can't wait to watch you enjoy it!