Friday, June 30, 2006

can it be defined?

cheating. i brought it up in the post below and then some anon person commented and said something to the affect that i shake my rack and ass at.her.husband. i know, please stop laughing. the thought of anyone insinuating i have a "rack" or cleavage of any sorts is downright hysterical. the only time i ever had anywhere close to a rack, the damn things were full of milk! i try and try to have cleavage, but i fail hopelessly everytime. so here i sit. rackless. but apparently i'm shaking em all over the place at this person's husband.

anyway, it got me thinking. if i was shaking my non existant rack and my one hell of an ass at this person's husband- is he cheating? am i? what constitutes cheating? flirting? being friendly? being nice? doing something you wouldn't do if your significant other was standing right in front of you? what?!

maybe the person who posted this to me should visit this site. i just discovered it earlier this week and linked them in my sidebar immediately. these true wife confessions are absolutely heartbreaking. having an outlet is good. but the fact that these people can't say those things outloud is sad. but then again, could you imagine if some of those confessions were said out loud?! *shivers* anyways, it serves a purpose. so go visit. bring kleenex and keep note if your jaw is on the floor... you should probably pick it up.

and just so it's out there- i'm a very friendly and super fun girl, but i can guarantee you that i do not want your husband. i might hug him, or do something that i know is going to completely embarass him, but it's all in good fun. and i would do these things with my man standing right there, or with you standing right there. there is a difference between things being completely innocent or having underlying intentions. i can tell you right now, things with me= totally innocent and silly. pretty much everything about me is just in fun, for laughs, to have a good time, be happy, smile, act goofy, etc. i know first hand all to well what cheating does to a relationship and an entire family, and i would wish that heartbreak and emotional turmoil on no one. but that is definitely a blog for another day.

Thursday, June 29, 2006

**bonus answer to the 20 things i hate**

becky just reminded me about something else i hate... not strongly dislike, but HATE, so here goes:

#21- cheaters. people who cheat. people who have no respect for other people's relationship and pursue those who are married, engaged, or otherwise NOT available. i hate cheating. i hate cheaters. i hate the whole dishonest, lying, bullshit, backstabbing, idea of it all. now i'm not saying i'm perfect and have never cheated on anyone when i was way younger, because i have. but i learned from it. and then i learned what it was like to be cheated on in return. and ever since, i've had an extremely strong aversion to the entire concept. i dislike everything about it. it tears you apart. it can ruin everything. it can break down every tiny bit of foundation you've built for years in an instant. so yeah. cheating. fucking hate it and everything that goes along with it.

ps- i also realize that there are reasons, choices, etc for why certain things happen and please don't think i'm judging each person in one lump sum. i have a gf who cheated and i know her reasons why she did so and i completely understand them and can see how it got to that point. i don't hate her, or her relationship, or anything like that- it just makes me sad. it breaks my heart for her because i just never want that for anyone. i like everyone to be happy. lol

**read the rest of my 20 things i strongly dislike list below**

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

20 things i hate?

good lord, that's a lot of freaking things. can i really think of 20?!??! thanks a lot maniacal bitch for tagging my fine ass. and if i'm actually doing this one (i can't believe i'm doing this), you bet your ass i'm tagging some of you. HA! so here we go... hate is such a shitty word.


so here are 20 things i strongly dislike:
  1. being cold. or the weather being cold. especially when it's supposed to be hot.. you know, like when it's SUMMER.
  2. the price of gas the past few years. fucking assholes. do something about it. and don't suggest i buy a different car. i love my SUV and i will continue driving and buying them. that doesn't mean that i deserve to pay over $3 a gallon!!
  3. the fact that i can't find any black sandals i want for the life of me!
  4. people who drive too fucking slow on the 2 lane road on the way to work and don't pull over and let people pass, when they know damn well they're causing a huge backup.
  5. when people are mean to senior citizens. hell, when people are mean period- like mean for no reason, just to be cruel and unkind.
  6. people who can't see past their own opinions and are closed minded. you know the type who think their opinions are the only "right" ones and they lack the understanding to at least see where others are coming from.
  7. people who shove their beliefs and opinions in your face, down your throat, or any which way. especially when you don't ask.
  8. people who expect me to do certain things. or obligate me. or pressure me. my time is precious and my weekends are few and far between. i have a life to live, a wedding to plan, a kid to raise and a fiance to love on- so i get really resentful when people demand things of me and my time.
  9. fake people. don't pretend to like me if you don't. cause i sure as shit won't pretend to like you when i don't.
  10. sunday nights. that means the weekend is over and i have to go back to work the next day. ugh.
  11. being sick. because being sick sucks and is no fun.
  12. when people put their bare feet on the dashboard of the car. that shit grosses me the fuck out and i cringe everytime i see it! EW!
  13. when people cut in front of you and don't give you a courtesy wave. i'm all pissed off about it until i get that wave.. and then all is right in the world.
  14. the fact that this wedding of ours simply won't plan itself and that i have to plan it all and that it's kind of far away and things are a pain in the ass.
  15. that i don't have a puppy or a house with a backyard for my non existant puppy and kid to play in.
  16. that there is only little league up here and no pony ball. *cries*
  17. workplaces that try to put you in this little box and tell you how to act, how to dress, and every other little way they can control you.... when all i want to do is a kick ass job with some actual personality and fun. when did it become a bad thing to do your job extremely well, and have fun while doing it? or be a fun co-worker, or someone that people actually enjoy being in contact with and doing business with?
  18. manicures that chip within 24 hours of getting them. and of course you don't have the color at your house, so you can't touch them up or fix them or anything. ugh.
  19. that summer tv shows suck and everything is a repeat and that there are no new episodes of LOST, ONE TREE HILL, or GILMORE GIRLS! boooooo!
  20. living 400 miles away from my sister, niece and nephew while they are all in the middle of the most nightmarish divorce ever and i'm not there to help, steal them away, protect them, make things better, or anything. and i hate that. not strongly dislike.. hate.

i guess i could think of 20 things. i so rock at this!

i am tagging amalah. HA! as if she'd do it. and as if she reads this blog. but i'm tagging her anyways, cause she probably has 20 things she hates about trying to find a nanny alone!!! also.. sweatpants mom. love you! smooches! stop not posting and post this!
kevin, my most favorite fucktard. stop working and blog. don't make me drive down there and beat you silly.
and chicky chicky baby cause i said so! and she rocks! and i'd love to read her list.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

oh, to be me

i couldn't wait to get down to LA this past weekend. i miss things about home that i can't really explain at times, except that it's just "home." i was excited that the weekend was going to be just me and blake. and i thought it would be good for boyfriend and i to have a whole weekend apart (even though we just had one 2 weeks prior). and this wasn't because anything was wrong, it's just that i firmly believe that you don't have to do every single thing together. and i think that alone days, weekends, nights, whatever- are totally healthy and normal. so i didn't even give it a second thought when i left on friday.

but then friday night rolls around and boyfriend is living it up at our place with his buddies and while i'm having a great time too- i realize that he has a life when i'm gone. i leave, and he has friends that can come over and hang out, and nothing has changed for him, except i'm not there to bitch at him for being a slob. and i got bitter about that. i got bitter because when he left for the weekend he was gone, i had a great time, but i didn't get to hang out at our place with my girlfriends drinking and shooting the shit.. because well.. i don't really have any girlfriends up here. and the very few girlfriends i would hang out with, have kids, have lives, and getting together isn't simple or easy. i'm not normally the type to care. i think 90% of the time, i don't feel like i'm lacking in any way and i'm normally so freaking busy with blake and with life, that the absence of girlfriends is hardly noticeable. but that 10% does exist. and when it hits me, it hits me hard. suddenly, i was transported back to when boyfriend and i were dating long distance- and he had a life doing whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted, and i was "stuck" at home, being a single mom to a 5 year old. and i had to remind myself that things weren't like that anymore. that we lived together now and that we weren't 400 miles apart almost every single day. it was weird, because i've never experienced that feeling before. i've never been transported back to us not being together, and having it almost be a negative feeling. because at the time, i was always fine.

and then i realized something else. i missed him. to the point that it was almost painful. and i hated being down there without him. seeing friends that are his friends too. doing things for and with blake, without him. it sucked. and i was snappy with him on the phone and it was all just misplaced emotions. i missed him so much. but in a sick way, it was a good thing. i needed to miss him, because i didn't think i would. when i'm going home, the last thing on my mind is that i might miss the person i adore. seriously. but boy was i wrong. so wrong that i can't imagine going down there again without him. don't get me wrong, i still firmly believe in alone time and guys weekends and all of that stuff. it's just that he is such a large, important, and positive part of my life, that not having him around to share things with doesn't work for me anymore. it's just not as fun doing wonderful things when he's not there to do them too. it's like a part of me is missing. and what ends up happening is that the poor guy gets like a million picture messages on his phone. it's not the same.

i guess the whole reason i'm writing this is because i was surprised. by all of it. my emotions surprise me sometimes. especially when i think i've got it all down and i know what i will or won't feel. that's when my emotions give me a kick in the ass and then sit there laughing at me. and i'm wondering what the fuck just happened and why?! but it was all positive. it's good to miss the one you love. it's even better to come home to them.

Monday, June 26, 2006

back from la!!!

i know, i know.. you all want to know if i met kevin or not! well that has to wait. let me start from the beginning... i was born on september 12th.. oh wait, too far back.
okay, here goes:
i stopped to see my gf meg on the way down! she's pregnant and due in september! GIRL!! so fun! she looks stunning and glowy, and gorgeous. she is truly one of the prettiest women i know and i love her so much. i wish we saw eachother more, but sometimes is better than no times! :)


then i got to meet kevin! i wasn't sure if it was going to work out or not, but i'm so happy it did! he is EXACTLY like you think he is everyone! he is totally worth meeting! he is great, and nice, and super fun, and crazy and has gorgeous blue eyes and laughs a lot and talks shit and i just love him to pieces! BIG HUGS FUCKTARD!!!! :) my only complaint? not enough time, and i wish i didn't look like such shit (that is what being sick and driving for 7 hours in a hot car does to you). thankfully, he didn't run screaming when he saw me, so i think we're cool! and well, this is what happens when you give a crazy 8 year old (who lived to entertain kevin because dammit, he would laugh at every fucking thing the kid did) the camera:




and then we have some random and super fun shots of me and loree- isn't she so cute? she's dating jimmy now so the world is a happy place for all!






and my other comedic half from when i rode the train to/from work- jon.. and his kick ass girlfriend sam..

the thing that sucks is that you can't even tell everyone you're in town, because there is just no possible way to see them. i couldn't even go to a baby shower because i just couldn't fit it in. i was running blake around from friend to friend and then to the game and if you try to fit too many people in, then you realize you've made no time to spend with your family. so yeah. basically, a weekend is never enough time. especially when it's really a weekend for your kid and not for you. but it was still great!

Saturday, June 24, 2006

the most innocent game of truth

or dare ever... as heard on the drive home from dodger stadium this evening:

blake: truth or dare?
jacob: truth
blake: it's true you played on the red sox before?
jacob: true

blake: truth or dare?
jacob: dare
blake: i dare you to say, "say"

Friday, June 23, 2006

going home

YAY!!!!! heading home for the weekend!!! I.CANT.WAIT!!!! we're going to stop by my super hot gf meg's house and drop off a ridiculous amount of star wars toys for her son connor! i'm going to rub her pregnant belly and take pics! :) and then i'm going to visit with johnny & katie (you remember them.. the ditcher faces).. i can't wait to say hi and see their new place! blake has play dates all set with his 2 very bestest friends down there, so i'm super happy that all worked out. then i'm taking him & his friend jacob to the dodger game (thank you loree!!).. and we'll most likely visit the beach at some point.. and we get to hang out with my sister and niece & nephew.. and i can't wait to go shopping in a store i like with clothes i actually want! this is all so fucking exciting i can barely contain myself!!!! the only shitty part about going home is that there is never enough time in the weekend to see everyone you want to see, and do everything you want to do.... especially when the weekend isn't about me and my friends (it is blake's birthday weekend trip thing).

we also might meet kevin too and well smack my ass twice and call me sally, but just how jealous will all of you be if that happens?!?!?!

see- this is a kick ass weekend just waiting to happen!!!! WOO HOOO!!!! love it! i'll be back with pics... i hope. ha!

Thursday, June 22, 2006

calling all bloggers

dale is doing a kick ass thing- he is looking for 2996 bloggers to participate in a 9/11 rememberance, memorial, blogathon, thing. if you go sign up, he'll assign you a "victim" from september 11th. and then you blog about your person on 9/11 in a tribute to them. i think it's really cool idea and so i signed up, and well.. why the hell wouldn't you?

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

packing for a short trip. ha!

you know what i'll probably never get used to, but cracks me up everytime?
packing, now that i have a child.

NOTHING IS SIMPLE anymore. nothing. all you non-kid having women and men that read this blog- prepare yourself. a quick run to the store? doesn't happen. a quick anything, isn't possible once you have kids. a simple anything? no.longer.an.option. when blake was a baby, a trip to anywhere included packing the diapers, the formula, bottles, wipes, powder, lotion, cream, change of clothes, spit up rags, stroller, car seat, etc, etc etc etc etc. *dies*

you would think it would get easier as they get older, but it doesn't! the amount of shit you have to pack just changes! sure, they aren't things you "need" but if you'd like to maintain your sanity while on said trip, you'll pack these things. try driving from SF to LA without a dvd player. just try it. i dare you.

"are we there yet?" "how much longer?" "are we there yet?" "i'm hungry." "i have to pee!" "i'm bored!!!" "ARE WE THERE YET???"

so now that blake is older, the diapers & bottles have been replaced by a ridiculous amount of snacks for the drive and the game boy. don't forget the dvd player and movies. and a blanket and a pillow because "MY BOTTOM HURTS FROM SITTING HERE FOR SO LONG MOM!!!" so he usually ends up sitting on the pillow. can't forget his baseball bag either. i'll never hear the end of it if we go home and he doesn't have his baseball bag. "did you bring my glow in the dark football mom?" good lord. why don't i just pack the whole house? that way i won't forget anything. sam (that's my jeep's name) always ends up looking like we're moving by the time i'm done packing him for a quick weekend trip.

but you know what? at least it keeps blake quiet. that dvd player is a life saver. so he's sitting back there watching movies for 6 straight hours. that's better than him yapping my ear off asking the same 5 questions over and over again and me pulling over on the side of the road and leaving him there, isn't it? i mean he's cute and someone would pick him up eventually, but without a dvd player, i'm sure he'd be on the side of the road again a few miles further up the road.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

happy birthday blakey-face!

holy crap. the kid i birthed is 8 freaking years old! 8! today. time.fucking.flies. it is unbelievable really. let's go for a little trip down memory lane in pictures, shall we (i so didn't have a digital camera when he was a baby, so i have none of those pics scanned). it's obvious i love the kid, since i've let him live this long. do you blame me? look at this cuteness! these pictures crack me up!

Monday, June 19, 2006

a bunch of random crap

cause .. well.. that's what i do. i babble. ask boyfriend.
my girlfriend loree came up this past weekend. and it was finally, gorgeous outside. and warm. for the most part. we went to the dodger game (fine fine.. the a's game).... we went to hooters.. we saw a movie.. and we went dancing. well i danced. they watched. and loree occasionally shook her groove thing. it was awesome! i tried to tell some guy with a "dodgers suck" shirt that he sucked, but he was way too drunk to really mess with. and then there was the lady in red. but boyfriend blogged about her, so i won't even mention her. well, i guess i just did. all i'll say was that i wish i had a camera. and to anyone who reads this blog, please never, ever, wear a spandex long sleeved body suit in public. thank you.

what else? i'm going home this coming weekend, but i'll blog about that more later. all i can say is that i cannot fucking wait. i am feening for home and i miss my sister something fierce. can't wait to see her. can't wait to go to a dodger game and i can't wait to go shopping! YAY!!!!!

i have a new blog renter! chronicles of an exhausted mom. if the title doesn't say it all, i don't know what does! make sure you give her a click and visit. i'm all for bringing new people to your attention to read. :)

speaking of new people.. after you visit my blog renter, you should give these women a check. it's 2 girlfriends with very different lives right now, both blogging. they are really entertaining and i love reading posts from each of them... one living the mom life, and one not.

anyways, i'll shaddup now. hope everyone had a nice weekend and a happy father's day!!!

Friday, June 16, 2006

cause he didn't have to be..

the past few days i've had some people mention to me about how cool it is that blake's dad comes out to all of his baseball games and watches him play. they say this mostly because blake's did lives over an hour away from us. on one hand, i completely get that people are just paying him a compliment by saying he's a good dad (which he totally is). but on the other hand, i kind of think- why does he get credit for doing shit he should be doing? i mean, shouldn't a dad want to come to his son's games? i guess to me, giving someone credit for being involved in their childs life, is kind of like telling me what a great mom i am for giving blake food everyday.

"it's so great how you feed blake everyday jenn. it's really respectable. you
make him lunch and dinner. wow, you're an amazing mom!!!"

my whole point is this.... the person who i feel gets often overlooked in this scenario is the man i'm choosing to marry. he's the one who makes sure blake gets to practice early everyday. he's out there playing catch with him and working on fundamentals before the game. he's coaching first base and chooses to be totally involved. he's not blake's dad, but he made the choice to love both of us and to take us both into his life. i kind of feel like if anyone should be getting raved about, it should be him. he doesn't have to do any of this stuff, but he chooses too. he doesn't have to be this involved, but he is. he didn't have to be the man who chose to date a single mom and her son... but he did. and everyday i see him go out of his way to do things for blake. he makes that extra effort, so that he isn't just the guy who has to do his homework with him, or all the not fun stuff, etc.

i'm not saying that blake's dad doesn't deserve praise for being a wonderful father. i guess i just want the future step dad to get a little credit too. blake is lucky to have 2 wonderful men in his life. so happy father's day... to the dad that didn't have to be, and the one that is.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

the conversations that make me laugh... and cry

last night i was baking cupcakes for blake's last day of school (did i mention i volunteered in his class yesterday for a couple hours? i SO rock at this working mom thing)..
me: blake, what kind of cupcakes should i make? white or yellow?
blake: chocolate
me: but i'm going to have chocolate frosting on them.. so which kind?
*staring at me like i'm an asshole*
blake: chocolate
me: but some people might not like chocolate
blake: WHAT DO YOU MEAN???
i love the fact that my kid thinks only people on crack wouldn't like choclate.


then this morning as i was driving him to school he said this. seriously. all in one breath. it just kind of tumbled out of his mouth. and it's shit like this that breaks my heart.
"i wish we lived back in LA because the weather is better... and we're closer to
disneyland.. and you would still work for disney.. and i would be near all my
friends.. and closer to my cousins.. and dodger stadium... and the beach."

and that's all i can remember but it's possible he said more. i had to tune him out to keep from crying. seriously, this kid mentions moving back home at least once a week. and that SO doesn't help my mental state. lol

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

CARS!!

okay- we saw cars last night!! now i'm not going to give this a glowing review just because i have a super fond place in my heart for my old workplace (i love you disney.. love you, love you, love you!!).. but this movie was freaking ADORABLE!!!! i thought it was so cute, so fun and i just loved it! i think i liked it more than blake did! the music was awesome and well, any movie that wants to put brad paisley in their soundtrack is alright with me! total country music, nascar feel. it was really adorable. it wasn't super funny.. like i didn't find myself completely cracking up like i have in some of their past movies, but i think it was consistantly good.

i totally want to road trip now! like i would love to cruise on route 66 with blake and boyfriend! so fun!!! i bet that blake doesn't even realize that route 66 is a real road. i'm going to have to inform him tonight! as soon as i go to target (i love you target! i want to have 10 thousand of your little target babies!!) and buy the cars soundtrack. yes, i liked it that much. my favorite character was mater.. "like tah-mater.. without the tah." omg, he was so funny and dorky! one of the best parts was at the end when they showed a bunch of older pixar movies, but done as cars.. car toy story, car monsters inc.. etc.. it was so fucking creative. they truly are brilliant! love them!!!!

yay! now the next movie i'm really excited about is pirate's 2... have you seen the trailer?!? watch it now!!!! :) i don't mean to be a walking billboard for my old job, but i can't help it! when they kick ass, i'm excited about it!

Monday, June 12, 2006

sometimes...

there are days i wish that i could walk blake to school every morning, stay in his class and help out for a few hours, and then wait outside his classroom everyday when he gets out, and walk home with him. on the rare occasion that i do get to pick blake up from school, i swear it seems like every mom but me, is waiting to pick up their kid. and in the morning when i'm bringing blake to school, lots of moms stay to help in the class. how do so many mom's get to do that? seriously, it baffles me how many people get to stay home and not "work." and i've always wondered how? especially in this state. how the hell does anyone afford to NOT have both parents working?!???

while i swear up and down that i'm not built to be a stay at home mom, sometimes i wonder how true that really is. sometimes i think i'm just trying to convince myself. because if i believe that i could never be the type to stay at home with my kids all day, then i won't feel bad that i can't. i won't be upset that it's not an option for me. even if i wanted to stay home, i couldn't. so it's easier to just say that i don't want too. you know? i've always said that given the choice to stay home or work, i'd pick work everytime. i enjoy working. i like getting out of the house, interacting with people, and working for amazing companies. how could i ever get resentful or be bitter about working if i feel like that's what i would do even if i didn't have too? but sometimes i wonder if that's entirely true. i never questioned this before. but i wonder if as i'm getting older, my thoughts on this are changing? or maybe it's mostly because we moved and i feel less involved in what's going on in blake's life. i don't know the kids, and nothing about this community is familiar to me. where we lived before, it was all familiar. comfortable. safe. and since there was no one else in my life, i was involved in every aspect of blake's. i knew everyone and now i feel like i'm lucky if his own teacher recognizes me. it's obviously an adjustment, and i guess i'm having a harder time than i realized with it. because i find myself wanting to spend time in his classroom. and wanting to go on his field trips. and just wanting to be involved. and blake wants me there too- and it breaks my heart when he begs me to do something with his class and i tell him "i can't." well why can't i? in the grand scheme of things, what the fuck is truly important? the time you spend with your child, or the amount of hours you put in at work? of course it's the catch 22 of needing your job to pay your bills, etc etc.. but there has to be some sort of balance in there. so i've decided (of course now that the school year is OVER) that i will take days off next school year to be more involved. i will go on a couple field trips. i will work in his classroom. because that stuff matters.

i think the honest to god truth for me about working and not working is somewhere in the middle. because truly, i'm not built to be a stay at home mom all the time. someone would die. or go insane and need to be medicated. and most likely that someone would be me, and who wants to go through all that shit? i really don't think that i could handle staying at home all day, everyday, and still be a happy person. i think that i would lose my fucking mind, not to mention the countless times i'd lose my patience. i do believe that being out of the house is better for my sanity. at least when they're younger it is. now that blake is older and at school most of the day, it's different. but when they're so little and needy and can't do anything for themselves.. i need a break. so yeah, somewhere in the middle would be perfect. in theory. but in all honesty, who knows with me.

Friday, June 09, 2006

things that suck- you know, like blogger

blogger sucking ass lately has definitely put a crimp in blogland. what the fuck. seriously. this many days of fucked-upness is ridiculous. and i love all of you so much, that i could read all your posts in bloglines, but i couldn't comment, or even GET to your blog page in real time. argh. i know y'all share in my frustrations. i feel all out of sorts. and seriously, what the hell happened at google that was THIS dramatic to have things be screwed up for THIS long?!! get it together people. seriously. we all depend on this blog stuff.

in actual exciting news for me- i got my very first AD last night! someone actually wants to pay me to put their ad on this site! well holy hell! i wanted to do a little dance when i saw that in my email box!! anyways, it's a shopping with moms site, and it looks really cute and fun! i fully intend to explore it to the max later today and you should too! YAY!

i have a new renter! she is really honest and talks openly about her use of medication to help keep her bitchiness at bay. or at least at a level that makes her husband not want to kill her! she was new to me, so she might be new to you too! go give her a click and a visit!

omfg (that stands for oh.my.fucking.gawd.).. i have a little yoda snow globe here at work and i went to grab it and it fell and it broke! but it broke all over my pants and my ball! so now my big green ball that i sit on- (yes everyone, like this- y'all have been so fascinated about my ball).. is all wet.. not to mention my shirt, and my pants. and i think i popped my ball. yep, it's popped. dammit.
so not only am i wet, I AM NOW COMPLETELY COVERED IN GLITTER!!!!!! that fucking little snowglobe was full of it! green and gold glitter!
so now i have a sparkley crotch, and i feel like i should be getting paid. anyone have any dollar bills?

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

we all want to beat our kids sometimes

if you haven't read this post by amalah.. go read it now. i'll wait. *twiddles fingers*

when blake was a baby he wouldn't sleep. and i mean that it was a struggle to get him to go to bed every.single.night before midnight. i tried the crying it out thing. he just sat in there and cried. he wouldn't get out of his bed (oh yeah, i forgot to mention that this went on until he turned 5 and started "real" school) but he would be awake. crying. yelling. singing. talking. laughing. anything, but sleeping. and if you're like me at all, you need some "me" time everynight if possible. i couldn't relax and unwind from my day at work until blake was asleep. and if that didn't happen until midnight... well, let's say you had a very tired single mom the next morning. and the next. and the next. it seriously got to the point that i didn't want to come home from work sometimes. because i had to go home to a kid who would not sleep. a kid who simply wasn't tired at 9.. was definitely tired by 10, but would fight it with every ounce of his being... and who was still fucking awake by the time 11 rolled around. i think he was trying to kill me. or maybe he wanted me to kill him.

there were days that i could deal with his constant bullshit. there were. but there were also days that i wanted to throw him into a wall. i just wanted him to stop crying and sleep. for the love of my fucking sanity, just GO TO SLEEP. but he wouldn't. and so there were times that i had to open the door to my condo, walk outside, and sit on the steps. and i would cry. and i wanted to yank my out all of my fucking hair because i was just so frustrated. and i had no one to call. and i had no help. and i just couldn't take it. and i didn't know how to fix it. and no matter what i did, it just never got better. and i am not joking when i tell you that this literally happened every single day for 5 years. it's a wonder we made it this far alive.

i guess my whole point is that we've all been there. well, at least i have. been through times where you think about doing something drastic to your child. you want to scream. yell. shake them. toss them. lock them in a closet. give them to a neighbor. run away. but you don't. you don't do any of those things. but you think about it. and then those thoughts torture you, because you wrack yourself with so much guilt for even thinking those thoughts. nevermind all it took to push you to that point. you still are a terrible mother for having those thoughts, right? i don't think so. i just think you're human. we're moms. we're people. we're freaking complicated and emotional women. and we can't handle it all, all the time. and i really hate when other women try to act so goddammed perfect all the time. like they never lose their temper. and always keep their cool, no matter what happens. i think the only people who do that are robots..... and they're not people! amalah was so right on when she said that if no one tells you that it's normal to feel this way sometimes, you'd never know. you'd think you're always supposed to be perfect. but it's so not realistic. at all. and even though i'm telling you that it's okay to want to do something to make your child stop (not that i said it's okay to do it), you will still beat yourself up for even having the thought even enter your mind. and that's not something i can help you with. because you're a woman. and well, i think it's part of what we do.

Monday, June 05, 2006

let's talk about love

no really. i wanna. and it's not just going to be about myself here. i really, really want to hear from y'all (that's me pretending to be a southern belle). i want to hear your stories. i want to know things. i want to talk about love.

i love, love. seriously. it's pathetic, but i don't care. it's so much a part of who i am. when i was single, my gf's always made fun of me. they said i was so freaking picky. they would tease me about stupid shit like, "what was wrong with that one jenn, did he have an eyebrow out of place or something?" as if i didn't date guys because they had bad teeth. wait, i think i would do that actually.
my whole point is though- that i knew what i was looking for. i knew what i wanted in a guy. and i also knew within 5 minutes of talking to someone, if i wanted to talk to them ever again or not. it seemed like no one else could ever understand that concept. but honestly, they didn't have too. cause i knew what was right for me. i found an old paper i had written in high school for cripes sake that said something about finding the one and how i would know it was him when i met him, and how i believed in that. that type of belief has always been a part of me. it's not something i can explain with logic. it's not something i can explain to make sense to anyone who doesn't believe in things like that (soulmates, soul recognition, past lives, etc). but it's also not something i need to explain. it's something i believe in, in the very pits of my being. and sometimes when you truly believe in something so deeply, rationalization isn't required... and neither are the words. you can't and shouldn't have to justify your beliefs. but you should be open minded enough to accept that not everyone thinks or believes the same things- and respect the differences we all share. moving on..

for those of you who are married (happily or not).... why did you choose to marry the person you did? and i don't mean from the perspective of now- like how far you've both come or maybe how they aren't the person you thought they would be, etc. i mean, looking back to then. why did you choose to marry them? did you know they were the one? tell me your story.

for those of you who are divorced (dustin, etc).. why did you marry the person? and what did you learn from that relationship? and what do you look for in your next one? and i guess the most oblivious question- do you want to get remarried?

for those of you with significant others (virginia belle, firemantaco, etc)... do you think you're dating the person you're going to marry? if so, tell me why. if not, tell me why. yeah yeah, i'm a nosey bitch.

for my single partners in crime (rick, penguin, etc).. what are you looking for in a mate? are you looking for THE ONE, or would you settle for just any one right now? lol

for my one gay reader (that i know of anyways.. lol).. what is the status with you and will? if you "could" get hitched, would you?

Sunday, June 04, 2006

post secret


this one touched me. it hurt my heart when i read it, so i wanted to share it with y'all.

Friday, June 02, 2006

happy friday!!

blake told me last night that grown ups are all kids. "you're just BIG kids." then he said, "you're just like a 32 year old kid!" right on! right the fuck on!!! i should have given him a gallon of ice cream for being so smart!

**new blog renter** (down on the left)! i don't care if you already know her (self proclaimed supermom!!!)... click anyways! if you don't know her, please get to know her. she is awesome, honest and fun! i heart her lots- you will too!!! :o)

have a great weekend everyone! it's been one hell of a workweek here in sterland. ooh, sterland. wouldn't that be a fun amusement park? nah, probably not. ha!

i'll leave you with this video from the wedding a couple weeks ago (at the very end of the night mind you)! it cracks me up everytime because when boyfriend keeps telling us to "motorboat" tray (the bride) and we don't even move. we just sit there. posing. waiting for him to take our picture! girls. *shakes head*


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bnEMolBYkxA

ps- thank you EVERYONE for your seriously kick ass comments to the post below. y'all are such an incredible support system. i am so psyched to "know" and be getting to know each of you. my sincerest thanks for being such awesome friends. :)

Thursday, June 01, 2006

emotional rollercoaster for 1 please

i went to pick blake up from his after school care place the other day and the lady who worked there didn't know me. she.didn't.know.me. she made me go outside and get my id so i could prove to her that i was actually blake's mom (cause blake saying "HI MOM" and running to me wasn't a big enough clue).

while i walked to my car to get my license, i just got more and more upset. why was i so upset? i mean, the woman was just doing her job. keeping my son safe and for that i should be happy, right? right. but i wasn't happy. i was pissed off. and i was pissed because THE LADY AT MY SON'S DAYCARE DIDN'T KNOW ME!!!!!!!

i felt like an asshole. i mean seriously. that's the only word i can use to describe how i felt. i felt so stupid. and as i walked to my car, i was almost in tears. i was so conflicted over how i was feeling. i was mad. and i was mad at the lady for not knowing me, which is SO stupid, but still. it's like i wanted someone to blame. so it's obviously her fault for not knowing me. it can't possibly be my fault because i work all the damn time. i felt pathetic. i felt like a joke. i felt like i should just go in the car, start it up, and drive away without blake. and then maybe come back and start over. or just send boyfriend to fetch him, since everyone knows him. i couldn't believe how upset this made me. but it's truly hard to put into words how i felt at the time.

i've never had to "prove" that i was blake's mom before. i'm not used to this. i'm not used to being the mom no one knows. the mom no one sees because she works too late and doesn't get home in time to pick her son up from the youth center before it closes. the mom who actually, for once in 7 years, has someone helping her. now that i don't have to do every damn thing by myself, people don't know me. oh, blake has a mom? who knew? i guess in exchange for having a loving man who picks up my son everyday, i get to be the non-existant parent. the one who pays the bill (chokes) and mails his schedule in each month. but that's it. and it sucked. my heart hurt that day... and it hurts just thinking about it now.