Monday, December 11, 2006

stuff

first of all, thank you all SO incredibly much for the comments in the post below. you're all so freaking awesome and you get so damn personal in my comments, and i love you for it.

i want y'all to know that i don't hate my dad. i'm sorry if i gave that impression in the post. i was angry for a long time. so mad at what he did and how he did it, but sometimes more than that- how it hurt my mom. i couldn't even deal with my own emotions in regards to what happened when i was so wrapped up in helping my mom deal with hers. the pain in which this has caused her, is heartbreaking. i can't even put into words how much her pain hurts me.

but i have come to realize that while their relationship is over, my relationship with my father, is not. it's not about taking sides. i'll never agree that he did a good thing. i'll never think that how he did what he did was okay. because it wasn't. but it's done now. he's done it. and he did it the way he did, and he can't take it back. sometimes, you just have to accept things and move past them. because they can't be changed. life is just hard sometimes. full of lessons to be learned. and this is one of them. i don't want to shut my dad out of my life. he knows i was mad at him. he knows i don't agree with what he did. he knows because i've told him. but he also knows that i love him. because i can't just stop loving the only father i've ever known. and it's not like he was a bad father to me. you know? so i can't just suddenly hate someone that i've loved my whole life. plus, i don't want to hate him. i don't want to hate anyone. life is too short for that. and i don't want to have regrets. so while it is still hard to talk to him about certain things in regards to his life..... at least we're talking.

and so many of you who have been through this before know what it feels like to feel like you're in the middle. if i'm talking to my dad, that upsets my mom. and even though she knows logically that i have every "right" to have a relationship with my father, it still hurts her because subconsciously she wants me to still be mad at him. i understand all of that. i understand the feelings of someone doing something so wrong to you, that you want everyone else to be mad at that person for as long as you are. i get it. but in choosing to have a relationship with my dad, it doesn't mean that i'm choosing to not support my mom. it doesn't mean that i agree with what he did. it doesn't mean that i think it's okay. i think it sucks, and i will always think that. i never want to deal with that in my own personal relationship and future marriage. i never want to know that kind of pain. i never want to feel that helplessness, that betrayal. i don't want to inflict any more pain on my mom. she doesn't need it. but i also can't take any more pain. so i want it to be okay that i talk to him. and i think with time, it will be.

i freaked out in regards to everything at my wedding because i have literally seen my dad 1 time since all of this has happened. it's emotional enough to think about the wedding and all that that day represents without thinking about adding the dad factor into things. i feel like i need to talk and see him more, otherwise that day will be an overload of all sorts of emotions. the last thing i want is some fucked up breakdown that day. and for the record, my dad and i were very, very close- so that is what makes this even more difficult. he went from the main man in my life that i could count on and call for anything, to the one person i didn't want to call for anything. that was my decision though at the time. and at the time, i agreed with it. but now that almost 3 years have passed- i'm not in the same place.

so many thoughts. so many emotions. only 1 head. it's a work in progress like i said before. and i think that's a good thing.

ps- boyfriend bought his wedding ring this weekend! if that's not enough to turn you on, i don't know what is! it's so freaking hot, i love it! tungsten ring in gunmetal grey. how freaking boyfriend is that?!?!

13 comments:

Becky said...

i was gonna say that-- that you can still have a relationship with your dad and still support your mom. its hard i know. but you have a good head on your shoulders. :)

and that ring is TOTALLY point. totally.

Anonymous said...

Big hugs! Forgiving and moving on can be sooooo difficult and I really look up to you for recognizing that while you disagree with your dad's actions and ache for your mom's pain, you still do love him deeply. It takes a big person to move beyond that initial feeling of being pissed and hurt. You're all heart though and I'm sure both your mom and dad love you immensely for that.

Oh, and yay for the wedding ring! Seriously, one of the sexiest things ever is Adam's left hand wearing his wedding band. YUM!

CP said...

You did the right thing, lovemuffin. We can't be the victims of our parents mistakes. You didn't marry him, she did. He didn't betray you, he betrayed her. In doing so, yes, he hurt you...but he didn't adopt another daughter and ignore you. He cheated. He's a man. They are dogs. We already know this...but first and foremost, he's your dad. That won't ever change.

Good for you, girl for being bigger than most.

CP.

Robert said...

I'm skipping the dad comments because I can't relate and don't want to think about what I would do if my father did that. I know you're a strong spiritual person and that you'll work it out in due time...

As for the ring...Tungsten rules! Mine doesn't have a scratch and it's been everywhere in the (almost) 3 years I've had it - hunting, fishing, camping...It's still shiny!

Melissa said...

You know maybe you should see him before the wedding, maybe even two or three times. It may be umcomfortable and hard to see him, but it will be better than you not seeing him until the wedding. Plus then you can discuss some of it with him and maybe you'll feel a bit better about it. Or maybe not, but it's an idea.

Anyway, YAY about boyfriend and the ring.

point45 said...

cp not all men are dogs.

JavaJabber said...

I don't think all men are dogs.

But I honestly do believe that men think with their penises (is that really a word?).

My father always told me that ... along with "JJ, you'll never have any money, so do what you can with what you've got."

He was right on both counts.

Anonymous said...

hug.

I hope I'm gonna see pictures of the big day. I really wanna see it all come together.

Dana said...

It stinks to be in the middle, but I know you will be able to make it work so that no one gets hurt or upset for continuing to have a relationship with each of your parents!

DDM said...

You didn't give the impression that you hate your dad. I just saw that you were stuck in the middle of a potentially icky situation. You're a good daughter, Ster.

Anonymous said...

As someone with your mom's perspective, to some degree, I still say good for you for honoring your relationship with your Dad. He is an important part of you, regardless of the mistakes he has made. I hope my own girls will be as strong. It really might not hurt your mom as much as you think for you to have a relationship with him, unless she has said so? Even if she has I'd bet that deep down she understands, because your happiness is important to her. My situation is different certainly because I'm in the middle of it still, he's just now leaving, and my kids are still kids, but I can tell you pretty clearly how I feel about this. I've been deeply hurt and I carry a lot of anger and frustration about what my husband has done and is doing, but my kids are more important than what I'm experiencing, and it would hurt me even more for them not to be able to have a good relationship with their dad. What he has done to me doesn't mean for a second that I don't believe or even demand that they have the right to that. I want them to feel loved above all else, and they deserve to have a strong bond with a loving father regardless of how I may feel about him, regardless of the pain I feel. As a parent I'm sure you already know that your mom's love for you has to surpass all of that other garbage. It won't be easy, I'm sure, but she'll understand. I don't know your parents, but really, that doesn't matter. They are your parents. Their love for you will surpass the hurt either of them feels on your wedding day. Good for you! Enjoy every second of it with your whole family! :)

Anonymous said...

I didn't think you hated your dad either, but you have some very strong feelings that you can't just let go of and forget.

I'm sure everything will be fine at the wedding and the reception.

Virginia Belle said...

oh sweetie. my sympathies. you'll sort it all out, i promise. i think you're so mature in your attitude towards this and in-touch w/your feelings, which is really really healthy. hugs to you!!!!!

i have to go now. my comment is getting too touchy-feely and i have a sensitive stomach.