first of all, thank you all SO incredibly much for the comments in the post below. you're all so freaking awesome and you get so damn personal in my comments, and i love you for it.
i want y'all to know that i don't hate my dad. i'm sorry if i gave that impression in the post. i was angry for a long time. so mad at what he did and how he did it, but sometimes more than that- how it hurt my mom. i couldn't even deal with my own emotions in regards to what happened when i was so wrapped up in helping my mom deal with hers. the pain in which this has caused her, is heartbreaking. i can't even put into words how much her pain hurts me.
but i have come to realize that while their relationship is over, my relationship with my father, is not. it's not about taking sides. i'll never agree that he did a good thing. i'll never think that how he did what he did was okay. because it wasn't. but it's done now. he's done it. and he did it the way he did, and he can't take it back. sometimes, you just have to accept things and move past them. because they can't be changed. life is just hard sometimes. full of lessons to be learned. and this is one of them. i don't want to shut my dad out of my life. he knows i was mad at him. he knows i don't agree with what he did. he knows because i've told him. but he also knows that i love him. because i can't just stop loving the only father i've ever known. and it's not like he was a bad father to me. you know? so i can't just suddenly hate someone that i've loved my whole life. plus, i don't want to hate him. i don't want to hate anyone. life is too short for that. and i don't want to have regrets. so while it is still hard to talk to him about certain things in regards to his life..... at least we're talking.
and so many of you who have been through this before know what it feels like to feel like you're in the middle. if i'm talking to my dad, that upsets my mom. and even though she knows logically that i have every "right" to have a relationship with my father, it still hurts her because subconsciously she wants me to still be mad at him. i understand all of that. i understand the feelings of someone doing something so wrong to you, that you want everyone else to be mad at that person for as long as you are. i get it. but in choosing to have a relationship with my dad, it doesn't mean that i'm choosing to not support my mom. it doesn't mean that i agree with what he did. it doesn't mean that i think it's okay. i think it sucks, and i will always think that. i never want to deal with that in my own personal relationship and future marriage. i never want to know that kind of pain. i never want to feel that helplessness, that betrayal. i don't want to inflict any more pain on my mom. she doesn't need it. but i also can't take any more pain. so i want it to be okay that i talk to him. and i think with time, it will be.
i freaked out in regards to everything at my wedding because i have literally seen my dad 1 time since all of this has happened. it's emotional enough to think about the wedding and all that that day represents without thinking about adding the dad factor into things. i feel like i need to talk and see him more, otherwise that day will be an overload of all sorts of emotions. the last thing i want is some fucked up breakdown that day. and for the record, my dad and i were very, very close- so that is what makes this even more difficult. he went from the main man in my life that i could count on and call for anything, to the one person i didn't want to call for anything. that was my decision though at the time. and at the time, i agreed with it. but now that almost 3 years have passed- i'm not in the same place.
so many thoughts. so many emotions. only 1 head. it's a work in progress like i said before. and i think that's a good thing.
ps- boyfriend bought his wedding ring this weekend! if that's not enough to turn you on, i don't know what is! it's so freaking hot, i love it! tungsten ring in gunmetal grey. how freaking boyfriend is that?!?!