i don't talk about all of this stuff much because sometimes, when i feel it creeping into my head, i push it out so fast that i forget it was even there in the first place. but i can only ignore it for so long, because i have to deal with it. and i'm not normally the person who doesn't confront things. i take my emotion... i live with it.. i live in it.. i accept it.. i fight it.. i do whatever.. but at least i acknowledge it. and with this, well i haven't done a lot of those things.
ever since my dad cheated on my mom a few years ago and left, his and my relationship has been barely existant. i went over a year without talking to him. and even though he deserved every bit of it, it hurt me. what he did to my mom, and the way in which he hurt her, is something i'll never forget. and i shouldn't be expected too. but i can only hold onto anger for so long before it starts to tear away at who i am. i'm not the type to hold a grudge. i'm the type of person who has deals with her emotions and works through them. otherwise, i can't function.
my dad and i have talked more in the last year or so and while it's not the way it used to be, it's better than it was. i would classify our relationship as a definite work in progress. while i hate what he did, and the way that he did it- nothing changes the fact that he is my dad and he's the only dad i've ever known. and so my heart, it hurts. my head, it hurts. because there is so much hurt and pain surrounding his actions that it's almost to hard to breathe sometimes.
and my wedding. good god, this wedding. things i never thought i'd have to think about before, i suddenly have to think about. i always figured my dad would walk me down the aisle. and now, that's just not something i can have him do. yes, he's my dad, but i don't want someone to walk me down the aisle and "give me away" when they haven't really been in my life for the last 3 years- and not to mention the whole cheating thing. i hate cheating so much. everything about it is so awful. the lies, the dishonesty, the conniving, the running around with another person.. ugh.. everything. i just hate it. and i just want purity, honesty, trust and everything good to surround me on my wedding day. that's why blake is walking me down the aisle and "sharing" me instead of giving me away. and then there's the fucking seating chart. i mean, i never had to think about where i'd sit my dad before. and now, i'm in tears trying to figure out who to put him with that won't want to stab his eyes out with hot pokers. and the father/daughter dance. and how he'll feel at my wedding. and how my mom will feel. and how they'll be seeing eachother for the first time in years that day. and how i don't want to think about either of them and i only want to think about myself and boyfriend and blake. but ALL OF THIS AFFECTS ME. and i hate it all. because it's just so painful and it's just so hard. and it's my fucking wedding day, and i shouldn't have to even think about things like this.
and i know that my dad made his bed and how everyone treats him is a result of his actions.. i know all of this. i know that he has to take responsibility for what he did. he has to accept that his actions have consequences. BUT THEY AFFECT ME TOO. if he's at my wedding miserable because people who were once his friends will no longer associate with him, that will affect me. because even though what he did was wrong, if he is hurting and around me, it will hurt me. and if my mom is hurting, that will hurt me. and i don't know what to do. and i just hate all of this. and i'm tired.