i know i know, who wants to hear another freaking woman bitch and complain about her weight? but listen, i have to get this all out so that maybe i can figure out just why the fuck i'm so mental?!?!?
okay. so back in the day- (you know, when i was 20 something) it took no effort to lose weight. i was never that super skinny girl. i always had a ghetto bootie (thank you grandma and mom) but i was never really "thick." i just had one hell of an ass. but if i wanted to shed a few pounds, it literally took no effort at all. watch what i eat for like a day or two and the pounds would start to fall. at least looking back it seems like it was that way.
now that i'm older, i've still got the ass, but i've got the thick thighs to go along with it. and i'm so dammed out of porportioned, it's annoying (tiny waist.. tiny boobs.. big ass.. big thighs). but don't get me wrong. .. with the size of my ass and thighs i do not want the rest of me to be in porportion with that! my point is, ever since having blake, losing weight is a freaking battle. a struggle. what was once effortless, is now the ultimate challenge. and i hate it. yes, i want losing weight to be easy. i won't lie. i want to do very little and get a lot of results. i'm lazy like that. plus, as we learned before, i have no patience so i loathe waiting for results.
it's not really even the getting older part, although i'm sure that has a lot to do with it. i noticed the changes in how i lose weight and everything about my body and how it reacts to foods after i birthed the boy wonder. what once took 1 day to show results, now takes at least 3. and that's not even the worst part. the worst part is that ever since having blake, i'm mental. lol no really. i feel like a freaking gemini when it comes to how i feel about my weight. one day i'm totally fine with eating whatever i want and looking this way, and the next i can't stand to look at my body one more second.
my main problem is staying focused and maintaining consistancy. i get really focused for a short amount of time. once i set my mind to something, i can kick ass at it. but then i get tired of working that hard and not eating anything i want to eat. even with the great results, it's like it's not enough. i get frustrated because i don't want to live like that. i want to eat whatever the hell i want to eat. and i want to feel okay with that. and i don't want to be a fat, fucking cow either. not to mention the fact that i should probably want to fit into my wedding dress, eh? but yeah. that's the main battle that goes in inside my mind. i want to look good. no wait, scratch that. i want to feel like i look good. i want to feel good about how i look AND i want to be able to eat food and splurge sometimes. there has to be a way to maintain that? i know, you'll tell me to start excercising. let's pretend that isn't an option. let's pretend the devil (aka excercise) doesn't exist, k? thanks. besides, i can't lose weight with excercise alone. my body totally loses weight dependant upon what i shove down its throat. i guess i could eat what i wanted, and work out- then i would maintain? argh.
sometimes i just wish that i felt like it was okay to look this way. and that way i could feel good about how i look right now- and i would be eating whatever i wanted to eat. but that's not the reality. because i am eating what i want, but i think i look disgusting. well, i think a portion of my body looks disgusting. the rest looks fine. i just wonder if i'm the only one who gets frustrated with "dieting" even when you see the results you want? because if losing the weight and looking better isn't enough of a motivation to keep me going, then what the hell is!??!? and what the hell is wrong with me?!?!?
ps- i want to be perfectly clear that i don't wish i had no ass at all. that's not a goal or a desire.. i love my shapely curves. i really do- i just desire to be a tad less curvy. a tad less bodacious in the ass.. but not assless- i love me the ghetto bootie.. i'd just a little less ghetto.