Thursday, November 30, 2006

my fat ass... aaaand, the rest of me

i know i know, who wants to hear another freaking woman bitch and complain about her weight? but listen, i have to get this all out so that maybe i can figure out just why the fuck i'm so mental?!?!?

okay. so back in the day- (you know, when i was 20 something) it took no effort to lose weight. i was never that super skinny girl. i always had a ghetto bootie (thank you grandma and mom) but i was never really "thick." i just had one hell of an ass. but if i wanted to shed a few pounds, it literally took no effort at all. watch what i eat for like a day or two and the pounds would start to fall. at least looking back it seems like it was that way.

now that i'm older, i've still got the ass, but i've got the thick thighs to go along with it. and i'm so dammed out of porportioned, it's annoying (tiny waist.. tiny boobs.. big ass.. big thighs). but don't get me wrong. .. with the size of my ass and thighs i do not want the rest of me to be in porportion with that! my point is, ever since having blake, losing weight is a freaking battle. a struggle. what was once effortless, is now the ultimate challenge. and i hate it. yes, i want losing weight to be easy. i won't lie. i want to do very little and get a lot of results. i'm lazy like that. plus, as we learned before, i have no patience so i loathe waiting for results.

it's not really even the getting older part, although i'm sure that has a lot to do with it. i noticed the changes in how i lose weight and everything about my body and how it reacts to foods after i birthed the boy wonder. what once took 1 day to show results, now takes at least 3. and that's not even the worst part. the worst part is that ever since having blake, i'm mental. lol no really. i feel like a freaking gemini when it comes to how i feel about my weight. one day i'm totally fine with eating whatever i want and looking this way, and the next i can't stand to look at my body one more second.

my main problem is staying focused and maintaining consistancy. i get really focused for a short amount of time. once i set my mind to something, i can kick ass at it. but then i get tired of working that hard and not eating anything i want to eat. even with the great results, it's like it's not enough. i get frustrated because i don't want to live like that. i want to eat whatever the hell i want to eat. and i want to feel okay with that. and i don't want to be a fat, fucking cow either. not to mention the fact that i should probably want to fit into my wedding dress, eh? but yeah. that's the main battle that goes in inside my mind. i want to look good. no wait, scratch that. i want to feel like i look good. i want to feel good about how i look AND i want to be able to eat food and splurge sometimes. there has to be a way to maintain that? i know, you'll tell me to start excercising. let's pretend that isn't an option. let's pretend the devil (aka excercise) doesn't exist, k? thanks. besides, i can't lose weight with excercise alone. my body totally loses weight dependant upon what i shove down its throat. i guess i could eat what i wanted, and work out- then i would maintain? argh.

sometimes i just wish that i felt like it was okay to look this way. and that way i could feel good about how i look right now- and i would be eating whatever i wanted to eat. but that's not the reality. because i am eating what i want, but i think i look disgusting. well, i think a portion of my body looks disgusting. the rest looks fine. i just wonder if i'm the only one who gets frustrated with "dieting" even when you see the results you want? because if losing the weight and looking better isn't enough of a motivation to keep me going, then what the hell is!??!? and what the hell is wrong with me?!?!?

ps- i want to be perfectly clear that i don't wish i had no ass at all. that's not a goal or a desire.. i love my shapely curves. i really do- i just desire to be a tad less curvy. a tad less bodacious in the ass.. but not assless- i love me the ghetto bootie.. i'd just a little less ghetto.

28 comments:

DDM said...

There is nothing wrong with you! I know maybe ONE person who doesn't worry about how she looks, in all of the women I'm friends with. I think there's a lot to be said with being happy with where you are. Ster, I don't know how to get to that place. Like you there are days when I feel good about how I look WITH junk in the trunk. Then there are days that I'm disgusted with my ample behind.
I dislike working out. However, that's the fastest way for me to see results. I go in fits and starts....feel gross, work out, see results, stop. When you discover the secret, drop me a line?
For the record, I think you're lovely. Put that fabu bod in a wedding dress and love thyself. :-)

Becky said...

i am the SAME way. i wanna lose weight w/o working out. and i hate dieting but i have to diet to lose weight. its so frustrating. i'm way outta proportion....which is why i corrected it a BIT but i still have way too big a butt for my waist and boobs. i'm in the same boat as you. its a constant battle and its never ending. we wanna do it the easy way- eat what we want and not work out and still lose weight lol. never will work and its depressing. like i emailed you the other day---i'm back on WW til christmas. and then back on it after christmas. i hate dieting but i have to do it because i look back to just 3 mos ago and i was 10 lbs lighter and i too am disgusted. i hate caring so much!

Anonymous said...

first, you're beautiful. I know that is not why you wrote this blog and you are probably rolling your eyes and going "pffffttttt" right now...or however you write that sound you do when you say "whatever". I love having a friend with the same body I have. My black friends bow to my ass, yes, bow to it. They tell me how sexy it is to have an ass that you can set a glass of ice tea on...I so don't think so!!!!!! I don't have the answer. Honestly, if I went on a diet, I would gain weight. The mere thought of having to lose weight makes me go the other way. If I don't think about having to lose weight, I at least don't go crazy on the food because I'm not obsessing about not having the food. I am so with you on those days though. There are so many days when I go by and never once think about my weight until I pull a pair of pants out that I haven't worn in a while, try to put them on and just about cry. Frank has a book called "Diets Don't Work" if you want to borrow it. It basically says that it is a whole lifestyle change...yeah right, I'm giving up coffee drinks anytime soon!!!!!

Melissa said...

To bad there isn't a way to eat what you want and exercise being flipping the channel on the tivo and all would be right with the world. Some days I like how i look and some days I don't. But I'm polish and I've never been thin, so it's different. But it's all about the mind...or that's what they all say. I just wish it would go away from everyone needing to look like Kate Moss in the media. Most of us can never get there.

MelissaMM said...

Hey Girl! My friend and I were just talking about this the other day. I just can't get motivated to excerise and I love food too much to eliminate things. She once again suggested NutriSystem. It really worked for her. I've seen the results and it's quite amazing. It's still food she loves, just not as much of it. Plus, it motivated her to workout...eventually.

BTW - I'll trade you some of my boobs for some of your ass!

Kim said...

Jen, I'm here struggling right along with you. Since High School I put on 100 pounds of fat fatty fat. I have taken off 50 of those with much pain, and a lot of suffering, and about 4 years. But I can see the change in me, and I like it. I enjoy food, and I eat out, and eat a lot. But most of the time I try to make good food choices, and try to have appropriate portion sizes. It's definitely not easy, and it takes patience. Which I gather you don't have a lot of right now. But, if you look at it like it's mathematical (like calories in, calories out, calories burned type of thing), maybe it will help you, or maybe not, or maybe you are wondering why the hell is that bitch commenting my blog, but anyway, check this out:
http://mindlesseating.org/author_blog.htm

He has some pretty interesting information. Oh and exercise does help A LOT!!!!

jennster said...

kim- i think that's the key. limiting certain foods, but not ELiminating them. you know? and having smaller portions. whatever i would normally eat- maybe eat half?? i genuinely am within the 10 pound range (have 10 pounds to lose). so it's not even that much weight. btu it's still a challenge and a struggle and i hate it! thanks for the link to that blog! :)

alison said...

I hate to be the bad guy, but you really do have to exercise to change your body. I HATE it too, and I will go for 6 weeks or so and then give it up. Then when summer's getting closer, I start up again. It's no fun and it takes too much time. What I do enjoy a lot is walking---putting the little one in the stroller and the maniac on the scooter and walking all over the neighborhood. And, before having kids, I LOVED kickboxing---try it! It's so empowering and not like working out at all. Plus, you get to know the other people in the classes and they help motivate you. One more thing and then I'll shut up---I like Kathy Smith's Lift Weights To Lose Weight Timesaver video. It's 20 minutes and I start seeing and feeling results within a week. No lie!

alison said...

The video:

http://www.collagevideo.com/cart/default.aspx

mothergoosemouse said...

Jennster, one of my clearest memories of you from BlogHer is from Sunday when you and Izzy and Leigh Ann and I were running around with the fanny pack, and you were shimmying your bad ass, talking about how it had a mind of its own, and I literally could not stop laughing.

If I could move my ass like that, I wouldn't care how wide it was.

I totally understand your frustration, but add me to the chorus of those who admire you for being so comfortable with who you are, inside and out.

Amy said...

All the pics I've seen of you - you are GORGEOUS.

I swear there are parts of this post that I could have written. The willpower, the consistency, OMG!!! In some ways it's so nice to read that someone else has the same frustrations that I do. Not to mention the days when I am ok with it and the days when I bite my lip and say, "THIS cannot continue for a SECOND more!!!"

Thanks for venting about this - I'm willing to bet there are a lot of us who feel like you vented for us too.

Karen Rani said...

Julie said it. You rock sistah! But I hear you, totally. Also, I LOVE your new Christmas design. Very pretty!

jennster said...

julie. thank you. thank you so much. i love you. :)

alison- shut up. BWAHHAHA. i hate you and your skinny ass. (i can say that cause she is my bff in real life)

karen- thank you too.

smooches ladies. smooches.

chris said...

I have the same issues with losing weight. Like if I could just fast for one day and lose 10 pounds I could totally do that. But the every day exercising, which I hate, and not eating anything good. Well after a couple of days I lose interest.

point45 said...

your fucking high.

you look amazing everyday of our lives and i love how you look. your not fat. if you were really truely fat....i wouldnt cook the crap i do or ask if we can go out to dinner....i would be saying "we" should go to the gym":)

i love you. stop being irrational and stupid....your hot and i want to do you.

Sarah's Mama said...

Cute layout for the holiday.

alison said...

Hang onto that man!

Anonymous said...

Wow, so I know how you feel. It has taken me so much effort to start my dieting and exercising. I hate rolling out of bed in the morning and knowing the next thing I have to do is go to the gym. But it gets easier the more you do it. 2 weeks is the standard time that people can keep themselves motivated, after two weeks they fall back into their old habits. Thats my goal is to puch past that two week mark when my motivation starts to drop and thats when discipline has to come into play...not excited...and remember this: once you reach the look or weight you want, its only maintaining and being sensible after that...its not hard forever...I hate to tell you this as much as i hated hearing it the first time, but loosing weight is 80% exercise and only 20% diet...welcome to my pumpkin butt world! haha Sorry I totally just rambled, but its SUCH an obsession of mine right now I had to jump on the opportunity to vent a lil...thanks =)

ali said...

we were just talking about this last night.
having a bigger ass and thighs over a jelly belly is a) a healthier way to carry weight and b) and easier body type to cover up.

so...my dear...all you need is the right clothing.
(i'm jealous as hell. i've got a killer ass but a big 'ole jelly belly)

Jenn said...

How cute is Point!!?!?!?

But I hear ya. Cause Mike says that shit to me too, but it doesn't change what YOU see when you look in the mirror!

I feel exactly the same as you, and am also only within 10 - 15lbs but....Unfortunately......the only way to be able to eat "basicaly" what you want and lose weight or maintain (especialy for me, but probably for you too if your like me) is to work out. IT SUCKS...but it's the reality.

coffeygirlb said...

Ugh. I hear ya girl. I simply do not understand how skinny girls who haven't had implants have boobs since they are supposed to be fat tissue. I hate exercise immensly. My mom is super exercise woman. I have fought the lable for years but alas I must admit that I am lazy and control my weight through food. I want to be heakthy and know that I HAVE to exercise to be all-over healthy.
I'm still waiting for that magic pill. Nothing motivates weight loss like a wedding though thats for sure. I think you are a knockout though! I hate my thighs, USED to love my ass but now it has dropped and spread. Whoa is me.....

jess said...

Cutest boyfriend ever.

I know it doesn't mean anything, but i think you are hot with a capital H and some tongue.

Melissa said...

Girl, that man is a keeper. Oh and love the new look. :)

dcrmom said...

I could SO write this post. Except my problem isn't my ass. I wish I had an ass. My problem is my middle. I always had big boobs, a bit of a tummy, but now I have bigger boobs (thanks to birthing and nursing 3 kids) and flab around the middle. And what little ass I Had is sinking to my knees. ARGH!!!!!! I too am finding losing weight harder these days. It is so frustrating. I am finally the weight I want to be, but my middle isn't the same. I think exercise is the only answer. That or go under the knife. Which I would do in a heartbeat if I could afford it. Sigh... No answers. Just sympathy from me.

Anonymous said...

Simple solution...

eat less
move more
it works

spidey said...

Ster, that is all completely normal. You are not mental (or else I am mental, which is entirely possible). I have a totally different trouble zone, which is my belly (thank you dad and grandma). Even when I was in high school weighing 108 lbs, I still had a belly. Now I still have a belly, but some hips and thighs and a little more ass to go with it (which I am grateful for). How about you give me a little more ass, but you'll have to take a bit of my belly?!

spidey said...

Oh, and I actually like working out, but I really need to change my diet to lose weight. My muscles are better when I work out, but the belly goes nowhere unless I change my eating habits!

heidi said...

We have the same body. And the same thoughts about it. And the same reason to be panicked.

Let me know what you do about it. I need suggestions! PS listened to a radio show. Funny. Love it.