my mind races at night. all the thoughts that i've pushed out of my head during the day come screaming into it during the nighttime. everything i try to avoid. everything i try not to think about. they all flood my mind when i'm trying to find peace in my sleep.
last night i was consumed with mommy guilt. the feeling that no matter what i do, it's never enough. i never spend enough time with blake. i could always hang out with him more. just sit on his bed and watch him draw. or watch tv with him. or just do anything with him... MORE. and i often wonder what messages i'm sending him with my actions. is my son going to grow up thinking that lost was more important than he was? will he think that work was more important? the computer? the things i choose to maintain my sanity and have some balance of self.... at what cost?
listen, i know the reality of why i do things i do. i know that having some jennster time = a much nicer, calmer, patient (ha) mom. and when you take all of these things away from me, i stress out. i can't relax. i feel wound up. the logical side of me knows the reasons for all of my actions.. even if they're sometimes selfish. but the emotional side of me wants to bitch slap me almost nightly.
and i hate the battle. i hate the battle between my emotions and my logic. because sometimes, i feel like no matter what i did- it would never be enough. i could spend all day with blake and i'd still find something to feel guilty about. i guess lately i've just been thinking more and more about how precious all of this time together is. because as he gets older, i know one day it will just stop. he won't want me to come watch him draw anymore. he won't want me to watch tv with him. he'll probably pay me to stay out of his room. and then i'm sure i'll have a billions times more mommy guilt for the past.
i'm just having one of those days. i'll be fine tomorrow i'm sure, but today.. it's just a bummer.