Tuesday, October 17, 2006

what changes after marriage?

i mean, apparently something does right? because that is what i keep hearing. even though we already live together. already are raising a child together. something changes once we actually say "i do."

my gf said that expectations change. even though mentally you're fully aware that they shouldn't- they still do. i guess i can understand that. boyfriend, now that you are husband, you MUST clean up after yourself. of course. perfectly logical. ha!

but really, i can understand the feeling of now that you're my "husband" and not just my "boyfriend" you should be responsible for certain things and certain behaviors.. but is it fair to feel that way? i mean, is that completely illogical? i'm curious what will change. i like to be mentally prepared for things like this. did anything change for you?

30 comments:

Anonymous said...

Everything changed after Drew was born. Then I didn't have time to baby him and take care of him (and I mean husband) like I used to, he had to fend for himself in some ways that he never had to worry about before Drew was born. Nothing changed between the time that we got married and gave birth. I'm not sure what they are talking about. We lived together for a year before we were married, so we had the same situation you do. You already both have the responsibility of Blake, so I can't see anything changing with you guys.

Lisa said...

My hubby and I lived together awhile before marriage. Things did change. He got lazier about remembering birthdays, Christmas and whatnot. I just felt more taken for granted.

But it sounds like you guys have a wonderful relationship and communicate well and are pretty energetic. So I can't see things changing that much with you guys...

Anonymous said...

We "lived in sin" for ten years before we finally got married. Long story. Suffice it to say that nothing really changed for us, except in a positive way... we felt more invested, I guess.
Also, those family shots are AWESOME!!!

penelopeto said...

lived together for 3 years, then married. How did it change? It got better. we stopped making plans, and started living plans.
that, and i had to get used to referring to him as my husband (5 years later i still can't get used to that one!)

Anonymous said...

Things got better for us after we got married. They got worse after the kids, but after marriage and before kids, it only got better.

Melissa said...

I want to cry it ate my whole comment and it was a good one. AHHHHH, stupid blogger.

Ok, lets see....you guys have been togeather for a while and you've lived together and you are raising blakey, so you guys know how to deal with each other. A lot of people get married and have no clue what it means to live with someone and to deal with the problems and occassional arguing without walking out. And if you were going to do that, you already would have. We were young when we got married and we'd only lived together 8 months, so it was an adjustment. But it was also neat. Just knowing that this person swore they'd always be there for you is amazing.

Amy's right, kids change things. We went thru that when Maya was born. It was just another adjustment, not bad, just change you know? But you guys already deal with Blakey and you've had to deal with things that most people don't when having a kid together and you've come thru it fine.

He's a keeper Jenn, don't worry so much. ;)

Sarah said...

We "live in sin," love it, and are looking forward to building a marriage together. But we don't have a child. I can't imagine that much would change if the two of us married, but we don't have a child and when we do, I can definitely see how things will change. Everything changes with children, doesn't it? People tell me that things will change after marriage and I always think that what they mean is that our marriage will bring changes for both of us - we'll have a sense of greater permanence in our relationship and we'll start filling the place up with children and the like. But - and maybe this is the ignorant unmarried one in me - I can't see how that would necessarily be so in your pending marriage. After all, you already are raising a child together, so what would be the greatest forseeable change in my life and my relationship is something that you two are already doing together.

Anyway, great blog! I spent awhile reading through it and Congratulations! (er, just a little, you know, late)

Lisa Goldstein/Kelly Kelly said...

Nothing whatsoever changed with marriage. Things changed with baby in that we couldn't go out as much, but that's perty much it.

Lisa

alison said...

I think things just change gradually over time. If you're not careful, you start taking things for granted. Now that we have kids, Chris says I treat him like one of them (he gets yelled at too, but c'mon, what husband doesn't??). Heehee. Yes, you are raising Blake together, but it will be different when there is a baby in the house. Newborns are different, as you know, and the many sleepless nights add up. But you two will be fine---just work through things together.

cj said...

I've been married 8 years now, and I think we lived together for 3 years. (give or take) I thought things would change but they didn't... obviously after 8 years of marriage we're more relaxed and rarely on our best behavior! Things didn't change for us. (I just asked Erick his opinion and he said I cook better now.)

Dustin said...

wow

hmm

i'm not gonna even touch this one see as i'm a bit jaded.

Mieke said...

My husband and I have been married 10 (wait 11!) years, and lived together for 2 before. Most everything got better, but 1 thing for us was that after awhile you are just so damn comfortable being together that you sometimes forget to make things special. Just because you have been together for awhile doesn't mean you shouldn't still "try" to do things like writing notes or planning a surprise night. Well, if you do those things to start out with! But you get the point. Getting married means you have that comfort and committment and it's just, well, awesome!! You guys seem like you have so much fun--it will only get better! I'm sure I missed it, but when is your wedding date??

Emily said...

Things got better for us because we were no longer dividing bills, etc, but it got worse, because we had to figure out who would be responsible for getting everything taken care of.

I took care of my stuff, he took care of his, and when it became "our stuff" for some reason we had trouble figuring out who was going to be responsible.

*shrugs*

It changed for us, but it changed quickly. It took 2 months for us to adjust, and it was never "bad" - just different.

Elizabeth said...

Chris and I were together for eight years before we got married (long story), and we lived together on and off during that time. Once we got married, and he was my husband and I was his wife, we became a team. It was like, we made this permanent bond with each other and no matter what life threw at us, we were facing it together. Does that make sense? Just wait, the first time you introduce him to someone as "my husband", it will rock your world.

spidey said...

Things changed for us, but I think it was more of a mental thing for me. The permanence of the whole thing freaked me out. I felt like my life was over, like I would never have fun again. I just wanted to rebel and show that I was still in control of my life. Not sure if that is normal, but I'm guessing not. lol

Things are pretty much okay now, thank goodness! :)

denise said...

after 16 years we still arent married, we have two wonderfull children and we are all but for paperwork acctually married, but, I hear the same thing and it scares me. SO! let me know if it changes.

Erin Monahan said...

After I got married something changed... My freakin last name! Him? Nah, Me? Nah. Our relationship? Not really. He was still an ignorant prick after I married him. The other thing that changed? My name, again, when I divorced him :D

Seriously. things do change, but mostly because people change, grow, whatever - I've been with my significant other for 14 years (nope, we ain't gettin married) and SHIT have things changed. He has, I have, the kids have, our jobs have, our expectations and dreams have...

Change isn't necessarily bad. All the changes Scott and I have experienced have led to positive outcomes. Especially that one about expecting him to clean up after himself. He washes his own laundry now - and it's a beautiful thing.

Sarah said...

After reading all of these comments, I am SO terrified of getting married and having babies now. More than EVER.

And I am even a person that LIKES change and adventure!

Shit, I want both so badly too.

OK, breathe...

Jennster, you and boyfriend seem to have your shit together and the already solid bond with you guys and Blake is a true testimate to whatever beautiful things will come of you guys getting married "on paper".

J said...

Things change when you get married, but not always in a BAD way.

I think the thing that changed the most when we got married was that we stopped taking as much time to "look good" for each other... but thats mostly a comfort level that I think we reached when we were married. You've lived together for so long already, it probably make any diffrence.

From reading your blog for quite a while now, I can see you have a great relationship, and you should have no worries about what will change if/when you decide to get married.

Melanie said...

I can't imagine all that much changing for you guys since you've already been together and are raising a child. Aside from having children, not all that much has changed for my husband and myself. Except that we're both 14 years older, our joints ache and bones pop each morning as we get out of bed!!! :)

Tara said...

Nothings really changed for us so far besides the fact that we have that extra push to work things out when they happen, and that we have a bigger respect for eachother... Sorta like..I'm your life partner so I'm going to take care of you. If you know what I mean?

Jamie said...

Almost instantly there was a change when I married my hubby - we lived together for a year before. But the change was not bad at all - infact it was incredible. I can't even really put it into words but inside there was this calm, peace - I mean the high of course wore off for both of us, but what was left was a team and even though I thought before we were a team - we had joint accounts - paid bills together, dealt with step kids, a broken back etc etc it was just different and stronger after those vows. So don't be afraid - look forward to it baby!!

carrie said...

I am still laughing over Erin's last name comment!!! Too funny. Anyway, for us, we were a lot younger and didn't live together, so it was a big change. But a strong relationship will change, should change as the years go by and I think you have a solid foundation built, so embrace the changes!!!

Carrie

Jenn said...

Mike and I lived together for about a year first, and THAT was a big change. Then we got married, and moved into a house....not much of a change. Then about 5 months later, had a baby - HUGE FUCKING CHANGE!!!

If stuff changes, it's not due to the marriage. It's due to the length of time your together. Marraige or not.

Like someone said...you get comfortable and forget to make stuff special...or ya know...shave your legs.

Stepping Over the Junk said...

he is the same person and you are the same person, you are adding another special bond and committment to each other that is already there. If things change, they should be for the better and growth towards connected peach with yourselves and with each other...an enhancement, not a breakdown. Don't give in to stereotypical ideas that husbands are those guys you roll your eyes about with your girlfriends. Becasue deep down, you know that he isnt. Not to mention, it is about you and him, not you and other people's ideas of what you should have or be.

Stepping Over the Junk said...

P.S. The fact that you are already raising your son and living together and he is an important role in Blake's life, means that you already know what it is like to have a child around and another priority other than each other and that is a benefit you have!

Mike said...

All I have to say is (and this is from experience), is that it all depends on the person you marry. With Jenn and I, nothing changed (except her last name). My previous wife on the other hand, seemed to become a different person. Don't worry about it. You and Point will be fine.

Leah said...

I think the biggest change for me (when it happens) will be feeling like other people look at us as a legitimate and permanent couple. Mormon families tend to not be so fond of the whole living-in-sin-actually-date-someone-for-a-while-before-you-marry-him thing.

Plunky said...

Ohhh! Good question! I'm going to read all the replies too since I live with my bf too.

Virginia Belle said...

i don't know why i even read all this. i'm never getting married, much less having babies. i give up. guess i'll have to be happy w/my dog.

oh well. more time to become a master chef. and my shoe budget will be bigger.