Tuesday, September 12, 2006

it's NOT business as usual

but i'm glad that 9/11 is now yesterday. instead of tomorrow. or today. there is something about the build up TO that day that just fills me with so much anxiety. oh my gawd, it's one week from today. or.. it's in 2 days. or.. it's tomorrow. it's like this countdown that is filled with so much overwhelming emotion and heartache. it's still hard. 5 years and it's still something i can't comprehend. it's still something that breaks my heart. it's still something that shakes me to my core. sometimes, i feel too much. i actually breathed a small sigh of relief this morning knowing that "the day" was now behind me.

work didn't matter after that day. it didn't hold the importance that family did. that love did. that your fellow neigbors did. hell, that your fellow American's did. day in and day out for months, i questioned the importance of it all. what did my job matter? what did it do for anyone? did it save lives? what was its purpose???? how can my boss want me to set up a meeting about ESPN, when right now.. WHO GIVES A FUCK ABOUT ESPN?!??!?! and if they DO give a fuck about espn, good god, WHYYYYYYY????

and now, five years later, the fact that we all go to work on 9/11 and conduct ourselves as if nothing happened, makes me sick. it's business as usual and something about me hates that. because on that day, 5 years ago, it was anything but. i don't forget easily. i get affected by things, and it's hard for me to get UNaffected. and i just don't understand why sometimes, i feel like i'm the only one.

21 comments:

Izzy said...

I know what you mean. I'm a feel-too-much person, also. Things just tear me up sometimes and I sit there wondering how the world keeps spinning.

As for 9/11, it's as if nothing else mattered in the wake of such awfulness. When someone dies I feel like that. Like "How can I think of showering (or grocery shopping etc) when so and so is gone?"

But as my dearly departed pop used to say...life is for the living. It has to go on. He was always so practical and when it comes to emotions, I'm just not.

Miss you, girl :)

Becky said...

youre not the only one. i totally agree. i think every year on 911 we should have the day off to go to memorials and spend the day with family. vs business as usually. totally agree. all day yesterday everyone acted like it was a regular day. i just didn't get it.

Izzy said...

PS: Your b-day is this week, right? The 15th? What day???

norcalgirl28 said...

You aren't the only one. I knew they would talk about it in school, so I wanted to get the first shot in so Drew wasn't blindsided, not even remembering what day it was. I told him that I put the flag up that morning and, he was three and a half at the time, he asked me why. I told him it was because I never wanted anyone to tell me I couldn't put the flag up. We talked. I cried on the way to work. The talk show said we shouldn't stop our lives on this day or "THEY" have won. NO.....we stop our lives on this day to honor the people that died, were injured and showed such incredible courage it was unbelievable. THAT is why we stop on 9/11, to remember and to honor. My husband had worked for United Airlines for almost twenty-two years at the time. Watching the plane go into the tower was like watching his own die. Our lives were changed forever that day, personally with United and outwardly as the rest of the world was changed. Sorry to ramble, just wanted to let you know, you aren't alone. The t-shirt I wore yesterday..."All gave some, some gave all" A fireman in the Peninsula used his $600.00 that we all got from the government that year and started making them. Bloomingdales, and other stores in California took interest and sold them. The profits went to the families of the victims of 9/11. Noone said anything to me about wearing a t-shirt to work.

norcalgirl28 said...

Oops, thanks Izzy for reminding me...It's Frank's birthday, so it must be Jenn's. HAPPY BIRTHDAY JENNSTER!!!! You youngster!!

Izzy said...

Happy Birthday!!!!!!!!!!

{{{[hugs}}} oxoxoxoxoxoxo

Have a fantatsic day!!!!!

mothergoosemouse said...

Jenn, I think I just have to detach on 9/11. That's why I didn't go to work that day in 2002 or 2003, and why each year I have busied myself with anything BUT the news. Strangely enough, even going to Ground Zero in 2004 was not upsetting to me, but the media coverage - the shameless sensationalism - makes me more upset than anything else.

I did hug my girls a lot yesterday. Over and over. That's the kind of business as usual I'd like to stick to.

Mayberry said...

You're not alone. I really hate working or doing just about anything else on 9/11. It feels incredibly wrong. That's why I spent most of yesterday reading 2996 and other 9/11-related blog postings.

Stephanie A. said...

I find it so appalling that we haven't made it a national holiday so that people can take time to reflect. What else do I find appalling? Some of the coverage of it yesterday. One station just re-played their 9/11 footage from when they first learned about the first plane. Maybe I'm being goofy about it, but I found it to be very tasteless.

On a more positive note, Happy Birthday! I hope that you're able to celebrate your day in a super special fun way.

jen said...

I am totally with you Jen. I have had anxiety all week prior to 9/11 and now...it's still there. An emptiness of sorts...kinda hard to explain...

Mieke said...

Why is it that everyone just.goes.on.?? I woke up today feeling as though it were 5yrs ago. I went to work and wondered how these people just go on with life and don't feel sad. This year really hit me hard. I cried half the day yesterday and wondered what good came out of this? Sure we all bonded together after this, and became patriotic and felt like we should appreciate life. But who remembers that now? How many people have gone back to the way things "were before". We owe the victims more than just 1 day of remembrance, don't we? Sheesh, sorry, I guess I am feeling a little upset over all of this still and you talking about work got me fired up,too. Sorry about that. If today is your birthday, Happy Birthday! Hope it is an awesome day!

alison said...

Happy Birthday, Hooch, you old bag. :)

Dustin said...

you know you're not the only one

i echo the same sentiments

Mega Mom said...

It is so interesting that you wrote about this. All day yesterday I was thinking about how easy it is for me to live in the moment. Out of sight, out of mind. Of course, it must have just hidden beneath the surface because last night everything came pouring out as I re-read about all of my friends and thought about how much I missed them and how unfair this all is/was.

I am positive though, that my friends would have wanted us to continue to live and enjoy life. It is true, it is for the living.

Catherine said...

It looks like a Happy Birthday is in order!! Happy Birthday, Sweetie. And, no, you aren't alone, not by a long shot. By the way, your tribute yesterday blew me away. Beautiful.

Mommy off the Record said...

I was gonna comment on your post, but then I read some of the comments and found out that IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY!

Happy Birthday, Jennster! 23 right? Hope you had a good one!

russ said...

true...we should not forget...but we all become desensitized by so many things in the media, this is another one of them. the fact that people still blog about it, after 09-11 days, is testimony to that very thing

Elizabeth said...

Who exactly decides to declare a national holiday? Congressmen? Senators? Does anyone know? Because it is ridiculous that 9/11 is not a national holiday. Veteran's Day is, and the birthdays of Presidents who died hundreds of years ago, so why not that day?

I sent you an email re: your BDay. Smooch!

Suburban Turmoil said...

I feel the same way. That day was devestating, so much so that anything I could write or say about it seems incredibly trivial.

Lisa said...

I know how you feel. I had to grocery shop and run some errands that day. And ya know what? It seemed (at least to me) that people did these errands like I did -- with a heavy heart, thinking about what happened 5 years ago.

I'm reading the comments and it sounds like Birthday wishes are in order for you. HAPPY BIRTHDAY. Hope it turns out to be a wonderful year for you...

Yorksdevil said...

Horrible things have happened on every day of the year at some point in time. We have to get on with our lives. If we don't it's only us who suffer.