Tuesday, September 26, 2006

THE bachelor party, revisited

the topic of the household once again is revolving around this stupid, fucking bachelor party. as you can tell, boyfriend's brother was in town this past weekend. he's obsessed with the bachelor party he wants to throw for boyfriend. he talks about it everytime i see him. EVERY SINGLE TIME.

i hate the bachelor party. i hate the whole idea of it. i think it's archaic and i think it's pathetic. and i solely base these feelings and opinions on the fact that the whole idea of bachelor parties normally revolves around strippers and strip clubs (not to mention the mentality that "this is your last night of freedom duuuuude"). if the bachelor party was something more simple, and less about random naked chicks, i wouldn't care as much. boyfriend's bachelor party will be no exception to the naked chicks rule, and i'd be an idiot to think otherwise. they are planning to go to vegas for an entire weekend. so i don't even get the courtesy of boyfriend being out for one hellish night and then coming home to me.. i get the courtesy of being put through an entire weekend of suck. just writing about this pisses me off. let's figure out why, k?

do i trust boyfriend? yes. i couldn't have dated him long distance if i didn't. however, do i think that anything could happen? yes. but whatever could happen in vegas during his bachelor party, could happen anytime. you know? but i do feel like the situation of a bachelor party is kind of just asking for potential trouble. putting yourself into situations you wouldn't normally put yourself into. if it's not okay on any normal day, why is it okay on that one? and realistically, how much control does boyfriend over what is going on that weekend?

i wish i didn't care. i wish it wasn't a big deal to me. but it is. and maybe it's become a big deal since i've become a mom? because lord knows so many other things have become big deals to me since birthing that child. maybe this is one of them. maybe it's because i can't really relate. like i have no desire or need for a bachelorette party (and i fucking hate male strippers.. touch me, lose your hand). but you better bet your ass that if he's going away for a whole fucking weekend of this crap, that i'll be doing the same. and that's when it becomes a game. because i'll be doing it out of spite... to be "even." and that's so stupid. but i'll still do it, because if he's going away for a party weekend, then so am i. i know that if i don't do anything and he does, i'll be bitter about it later on. i hate how immature i am sometimes.

what is the point of the bachelor party nowadays? what was the point of them ever? it's not about the couple. it's not about the upcoming wedding. there couldn't be a single event that is LESS about the coming together of a couple in marriage, than a bachelor party. it's something a male created, implemented, and now all things with penises must comply to.

here's another catch 22 with this whole scenario. on one hand, i feel like my feelings about this event don't matter. the fact that it has me upset.. that i hate the whole idea of it... that i think it's disrespectful.. that i'll be physically ill the whole weekend.. doesn't matter. none of how i feel matters. because it's still going to happen. no details are going to change based on how i feel about any of it. and i think that's so rude. i honestly think it's so fucking disrespectful. but the flip side of that is not having the party because it upsets me. and that sucks even more. because it's not what i want. i do not want to be that fucking controlling. please don't think that i don't want him to have a bachelor party at all. it's not that. i could care less about him actually doing something, going out and celebrating with his buddies for a night or a weekend even. especially if it was something that truly suited his character. i can imagine him going hunting, fishing, camping, offroading, etc for a whole weekend (hell, a week even). that would make sense to me. i guess i just don't understand why it has to be vegas. why it has to include strip clubs and strippers. why it has to be the most stereotypical bachelor party location on earth. WHY does it have to be all of these things? that's the part i just genuinely don't understand and don't get. and i find myself struggling to figure out which part of gambling, strip clubs, strippers, dancing, bars, etc is a part of my boyfriends character. it just seems lame that he'll be having his party at a place that couldn't be more UNhim. but maybe that's the whole point?

if plans were to change now because i'm upset, i'd feel like shit about it. feel like crap because you're going to vegas for a weekend... feel like crap because you changed from vegas to somewhere else. how do you win? i guess the answer to that one is that maybe vegas should have never been an option to begin with. boyfriend knew far in advance how i felt about bachelor parties, strippers and stuff like that. so in essence, he's put me in this position by allowing vegas to be okay'ed for the location. maybe he should have talked to me about it first? maybe there's a reason he didn't.

i hate this. i'm tired of writing about it and not feeling better. i'm tired of finding more questions instead of all the answers. i'm just tired.

40 comments:

russ said...

don't worry about it. it's all a myth. unless of course, there is hardcore fucking and blow jobs and so on and so forth at the party... and one cannot forget drinking... and the mindless things that occur when drinking is involved ...

Tara said...

Jenn, I totally understand your feelings on this one. (and please pardon the long comment that is to follow. haha)
Before Marks friends planned his party, I told him how I felt about the whole stripper/women thing. That stuff had and has never been a part of either of our lives, as its not the type of people we are. I think that out of respect for your relationship, that it is friends/family of BOTH sides responsibility to not do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable and could possibly affect your relationship. Its not about being controlling, its about not wanting to have to think about or see your future husband in a light that makes you feel yucky about him ESPECIALLY right before your wedding, If you know what I mean? Different relationships have different limits on whats respectable and whats not. You would never want your friends to put you in a situation that could potentially hurt your guy, right? Whats wrong with camping with a few buddies, or paintballing...or doing things that ARE a part of his life....??

Lisa Goldstein/Kelly Kelly said...

wow, I am lucky my husband went with his son and brother to dave and buster's. woo hoo! partay.

I agree those typical bachelor parties are sickening. It's more for the groom's friends to make themselves believe they have the better way of life, than for the groom in any way.

What does b.f. say about how you feel? Maybe he can get it scaled down to just one night/party instead of a weekend. He does have a say! He can let his brother do whatever on that night. But that's it. some kind of compromise.

to feel that way....it's no way to start your new life together. i am doubting your boyfriend feels the need to have that kind of party/weekend. He'd be doing it to humor his friends. But he can humor them in a way that is less hurtful to you... just a thought.

Lisa

Jenn said...

Being friends with a lot of guys I've heard soo many stories about batchelor parties. Good ones and digusting ones. Nothin is going to make you feel better until it's over and he's back.

But let me just say that most of the time, like Tara said, it's more for the freinds than for the groom. If it's not his thing, then I'm sure it's not gonna all of a sudden be his thing that night.

He'll let the guys have their fun and hang in the back.

You just have to think of it as the first of many things that your marraige has to survive. Hold all that trust that you have for him close. Tell him that you trust him, and just know that he'll do the right thing. Cause you wouldn't be marrying him if he wouldn't, Jenn.

Jenn said...

Oh, and Russ is such an ASS!

Eileen said...

I love that you could write about your mixed feelings and not resolve them. It sucks but it's Life.

Anonymous said...

Hey Jenn,

I had my bachelor party in Vegas with 11 guys and it sucked. Nothing like trying to get 11 guys to decide on something to do together. I missed being away from my wife and yes, even though there was a strip club involved, I didn't do anything that I wasn't comfortable sharing with my wife. In the end, these things are more for the friends unfortunately. A chance to hang out and be guys before everyone has to grow up and have lives and children.
It's sad I know, but don't do anything out of spite because of it.
Tell him how you feel, that you love him and trust him, and the rest will take care of itself.

Of course, my marriage is on the outs now, but I can rest assured it wasn't due to my Vegas bachelor party. Next time I'll have a Jack and Jill party just in case. Boom!

mothergoosemouse said...

Jenn, I have to admit that I'm bothered by this situation too. Why is your boyfriend giving greater consideration to what his brother and his friends are planning than to what you'd be comfortable with? That's the issue here - not whether anything untoward might happen at his bachelor party.

I really think you ought to talk to your boyfriend - not with the intent of him changing his plans, but to clarify that you want to be sure that you will each put the other first (and obviously where Blake is involved, he's paramount) in all cases in the future.

Lisa Goldstein/Kelly Kelly said...

I totally understand. I thought I was being open minded when I was engaged and my boyfriend's friends were talking about his bachelor party. My rule was "strippers -- no whores." And they proceeded to tell me how, in some instances, the two were interchangeable! How could I be comfortable after that? And, sadly, the sex and the cheating is awful -- but what really scares me is getting a potentially fatal disease because he's too pussy or drunk to refuse screwing a hooker in front of his friends.

--kelly

Becky said...

i commented in the forum but i agree with you 100%:)

Useless Man said...

I understand. Then again, the last bachelor party I was at, we drank chocolate milk and played Xbox projected on a huge screen.

Oddly, I think I had the most fun at this one...

norcalgirl28 said...

OUCH!!! Jenn, when I start having conversations like that with myself I am usually pacing and moving things around because I am so agitated. Frank had a nice dinner at Marin Joe's and poker at his best man's house after. Two strippers showed up, but it was short...I am told. It really is too bad that he can't do something like that. ...or that weekend at the end of May thing that he does, why not make that his bachelor party? I agree with you though, whatever you say now...you're screwed if you do and you're screwed if you don't as far as voicing opinions. I'm sorry this is going on.

alison said...

It sucks that it has to be an entire weekend. He's a good guy and I know you trust him 100%, but whatever he ends up doing with his buddies will make you sick with worry.

It sounds to me like he's always done what his brother wants and so he's just agreeing with whatever that pig has planned. I think his brother is using your wedding as an excuse to go out and make an ass of himself with a bunch of naked women.

Talk to him about it and if it's not really something he wants to do, he needs to tell his brother the plans are changing. It's HIS party to celebrate HIS upcoming marriage, and HE should decide what the boys are going to do.

jen said...

Bachelor parties suck...there is no need for them. It's an antiquated f-ed up "tradition" that should be over and done with...period.

Stefanie said...

You obviously have a right to your feelings. But may I just add something here? Your husband to be is not going to suddenly end up a stripper fucking no morals having black out drunk dude unless he already is. My husband didn't have a bachelor party himself but that's because he was sick to death of going to everyone else's. And some of them (while we were together) were in Vegas for entire weekends. If it's no his own bachelor party it will be someone else's. He's not going to do anything wrong. I vote for let him go and have a little stupid fun and you will feel better about it after you're married. Plus, if you were going to go to Vegas, would you have sex with someone just because you're there?

Random Musings Of My Life said...

Ok here is the longest post EVER for a comment.
Ok RELAX and I do not agree with the disrespect thing AT ALL. Everyone has the right to there own opion and yes its ok to be upset. But you know what. If you are THAT upset, if it bothers you THAT much there are other underlying issues.
Sounds bad I know.
Ok really bad. But serious having been through these SAME emotions A LONG time ago.
RELAX its no big deal. AND I WOULD NOT RECOMMEND picking a fight about this.
Actually I am going to get my husband to comment after me cause I think you need to hear what he says too.
He had a bachlor party MY DAD and BROTHERS took him to a strip club.
And you are marring the man, trust him with all you have.
Like you said if its going to happen its going to happen, strip club or not. And the whole "well he does not respect me" keep in mind he is his own person as you are yours. He is able to make decisions on his own and to be upset about this and presure him not to do it will not really work all that well.
Or maybe it will, all I can say is for me anyways it was easier to let it go, trust yourself, trust that whatever happens happens.
And for his brother and friends, thats what its about, they all want one more night out to see how much "they do not have it" your marring the man of your dreams, the father figure in your sons life. Life is too short to get caught up in the emotions of something that really does not matter.
I mean the best piece of advice I EVER got was from my husband when we were planning the wedding and we were fighting like hell with my mom

"Is it going to matter in 2 weeks?"

I mean if you pick the fight and it happens anyways thats a bad thing if you let it go and accept it and have no problems with it happening 2 weeks after that is it going to matter? Is it still going to affect you? Are you still going to think about it?
Chances are it will not.
Let it go
(this is also GREAT advice for wedding planning)
It matters RIGHT now but its not going to matter 2 weeks after the fact.
Do not waste your tears (I know you cried about it in frustration) don;t waste your energy

ITS NOT GOING TO MATTER IN 2 WEEKS

You have a life time together.....

Mom101 said...

I understand, but I think it's a good test of your trust. When he's back home and kissing you and telling you how they just got drunk and played poker all night (which is what Nate and his friends do in Vegas, swear to God) you'll feel better.

And Russ is an ass.

Stephanie A. said...

This is a huge issue for me as well. I told my husband that the time to have the bachelor party was the night before he decided to buy me a ring. Adam completely agreed and yet his asshat friend (the same one that actually had a private lap dance on the night of his bachelor party- can you say grounds for immediate divorce?) still went, pushed Adam inside. He went back outside, at his own freaking bachelor party, and sat on the bus with my best friend's husband. And for those of you thinking that my husband is totally lying to me, well, he isn't. He's received enough razzing about it from each of his friends who have gotten married that I know it's true. And I'm proud of him because you know what, it's lame to just go along with the crowd when the party is in your freaking honor.

Anyhoo, I've done the strip club scene. It's rancid. I couldn't believe the things the women were doing to men- it's not like in the movies with them just dancing on some stage with a pole. And being a woman at a strip club for men I even got sucked into things that were way too uncomfortable for me (touching nips that look and feel like tree bark- yuck). The saddest part, though, is that women will rub their breasts all over men's faces (cheating!), put their crotch up to their mouths (cheating again!) and be completely naked practically sitting on their laps (um, I'd have to say cheating again considering that I can't remember the last time -I- was even in the same room with another naked man, forget having him naked and on my lap or rubbing his bare junk all over me).

And to the poster who commented about there being underlying issues- that's bullshit. No disrespect intended, but I think it's completely reasonable to EXPECT your man to not be with other unclothed women right before you're supposed to vow to spend the rest of your lives together. Why the fuck get married if you're going to make allowances on these sorts of issues in the name of silly manhood traditions? I'm glad that my marriage didn't start by turning a blind tearful eye. F that noise.

Touchy subject for me, no?

Beth said...

I tottally agree with you here.
Patrick and I didn't do anything like that. No parties for us! We were too lazy, and well, our friends were lazy too! lol!

Survivin said...

Remember that you love him and that there is a reason you chose to spend your life with him. Just trust him. :)

Izzy said...

i find myself struggling to figure out which part of gambling, strip clubs, strippers, dancing, bars, etc is a part of my boyfriends character

I think this line says it all...

Maybe that's the part of all of this that you should relate to him so he will understand why you are uncomfortable with it.

I would feel the same, FWIW {{hugs}}

Anonymous said...

Okay I have read all of the comments and all of the responses and so now I shall lend some commentary on this.

First off Jen you are not wrong for feeling this way. This is an unfamiliar territory surrounded by a myriad of rumors and misconceptions. You, for some reason, are feeling insecure and thats okay. But please allow me to explain why your fears are unfounded.

Guys like hanging out with other guys...well most do. The BP is not an excuse to go out and see half butt naked women. It is a chance for him to go out, have a good time, get drunk and be FREE. Let me repeat that: FREE.

Now, I am sure you are a smart and flexible woman. But those of us that are married realize that things change..they just do. No biggie as that is part of the contract. Men know this (I knew this) and this gives him one last chance to go out and have a good time with the guys. No woman, no kid. He just goes out and has fun.

It seems as though you are hung up on the Las Vegas and stripper thing. WHY? Do you think he'll cheat? No. Because its outside of what he normally does? Yes. THATS the point. He wants to break the tradition and hang with his brother and friends before going right back to normal. There is nothing wrong with that.

The best thing for you to do is speak your piece and let him know of your feelings. But do not EXPECT anything. The minute two people begin to make expectations you are opening a door to whole other issues. Certain expectations, sure, are to be expected. But drawing your line in the sand over two days of fun does not lay a solid foundation of trust.

In short if you want someone to do as you say based on feelings get a dog. If you want a solid relationship with the man you love give trust, difference acknowledgement and understanding a chance. Let him be the man you love, not the man that just follows everything you say because you oppose it.

Let the man do his thing and be understanding about it. Hell give it your well wishes! Tell him to have fun. Gaaarrrraunteed to have him calling you every night. Go buy shoes and get your nails done while he is gone.

Expectations may be wrong but subtle manipulation is expected.

This reads as preachy but that wasn't my intent.

Think of me as an ass if you wish,
Randoms Husband

j said...

if you don't sweat your guy roaming in everyday life then don't sweat him roaming in Vegas. I surely don't know him but I have no use for strippers. His boys just want to send him off, the BP is for his friends........ not him. It's like a funeral, its for the living, the dead could care less. His boys want to make a memory. If you ladies are scared of your man getting some strange on their BP then the whole wedding should be questioned. If you can't trust him now how in the hell do you expect to trust him after he has come home, everyday, the same time, to the same situation for years?
think about it ladies. If he is going to get some I assure you he can do that in the office, on the street, in the mall, in the woods, at the game, wherever.
just a crackers take
jsull28fl@yaho

Anonymous said...

If its there and I'm invited and the wifey lets me go and we can afford it, i will make sure he doesnt step foot in a nudey bar.

K Love ya guys,

Hella!
h n o j y n (unscramble to see repiers name)

Staci said...

Jenn,

I understand that people get upset about this whole stripper issue...but I'm with Random on this one. If you're THAT upset about it and constantly get pissed off to the point you about make yourself sick, then SOMETHING in the back of your head is telling you not to trust him.

And let's be honest...9 out of 10 guys do NOTHING when they go to strip clubs but sit back and watch...then you have the perverts on sniffers row who drop $200 a night. I'm sure he's not one of THOSE guys.

And you know what...he loves you so much you know he's going to wonder what you're doing, where you are, and how much you miss him.

So let him go, tell him to have a good time and know that no matter what...he's all yours...and a couple nights is not worth puking over.

You'd hate to have him come home and sweep you off your feet, twirl you around and go to give you a big kiss and stop mid twirl and say "WHOA...YOU'RE BREATH SMELLS LIKE BARF!" :) LOL

Mike said...

Jenn. I wouldn't worry about it. Like many people said, it's more for his friends than him. It's just an excuse to get crazy and have a party. I've been to some disgusting parties and everytime, the grrom to be is the one pushing the girls away and resisting any lap dance or other things. As a man, we like to see women going at it, doing sexual things, but we know what's right and what's wrong. Point will do the right thing.

*girl crawls out from under my desk and wipes her mouth*

Oh, sorry Jennster. You weren't supposed to see that.

Rainman said...

RELAX..... he's not going to do anything more stupid than get real drunk and stupid and loud and obnoxious with his buddies. Its just a party weekend they can talk and laugh about for the next 20 years.

russ said...

y'all have no sense of humor. i am an ass indeed. chased away from jennsters blog have I been. :(

MrsFortune said...

I totally feel your pain, sister woman. And the whole catch-22 thing is so true, too. Sucks. Sucks that our culture promotes such meaningless ... debauchery? I don't even know what the word is for it but it's stupid and totally unnecessary.

spidey said...

Good comments on this one! I totally understand why you feel the way you do. For me personally, I didn't care that Jason went to a strip club for his b-party, but we all have our own feelings. I think all you can or should do is to tell dot your feelings and let him make his own decision.

texas math said...

It's the old addage that the wedding day is for the bride but the night before the wedding is for the groom.

I've been to bachelor parties...they were boring. I guess mainly because they were all at strip clubs and I'm not a huge fan of strip clubs...not to say I don't go...but as has been proven by Allie...I'm incredibly cheap...and as soon as strippers and waitresses and the like get the whiff of "El Cheapo" I end up just sipping my water in the corner listening to the music.

And I have never bought the idea that the night before the wedding is the "last night of freedom." My last night of freedom was the night before I told Allie "yes you can put makeup on me."

I suspect that this is the case with 99% of men out there...so there is no going out with a bang...but instead we go out with a wimper...our nuts firmly in the clutches of the women we love.

chris said...

I totally agree with you. I would have a huge problem with it.

(((HUGS)))

Deb said...

Girl...I am SO there with you! I LOATHED the thought of a bachelor party to the nth fucking degree. I loathed it and bitched about it so much that I caused a shift in the planetary alignment! I look ex (yeah that's the FUNNY part but anyway) I told the EX before it happened that if he ALLOWED himself to be led down THAT road with total indifference to how it made me feel it just illustrated the fact that my feelings would be disregarded throughout our marriage EVEN WHEN I FELT THIS STRONGLY ABOUT IT. He made the guys change it to a comedy club instead AND asked the girls to have my bach-ette party at the table NEXT to his. It was an awesome thing to do, we divorced eventually anyway, but if you feel this strongly it needs to be respected. He's not a child anymore and neither are you right? We don't need to "cave" to our friends. If we respect our partner, we can compromise for the sake of feelings.

Jenni said...

Sorry you're feeling this way, and it looks like by all the comments already posted, everyone else feels your pain, also.

Stand up for yourself. Marriage is a two-way street, and you can't beat yourself over something you have every right to be upset about. I don't think that would be considered "controlling"-- you are simply expressing your feelings. Now if you tell him how you feel, and he still goes anyways... that would upset me a bit.

Jamie said...

I am in total agreement with you on this one - totally!! I always hated them - here we call them stag - stagette parties but it is the same thing. For me I was super lucky as my hubby wanted a joint one so that was great, but the only reason he wanted this is because I am his second wife so second stag party and it took him two days to recover after his last one - super, super drunk = super, super sick! I tell you this so I don't sound like some annoying chick that has the hubby of a lifetime - he is wonderful, but he is still and always will be a man.... I feel for you though girl and really you are stuck between a rock and a hard place - just look forward to when it is over!!! Heads up - don't let the bastards get you down!!!

Meg said...

Oh Jenn, I'm so sorry. I totally understand what you're saying. When The Hubby and I were about to get married, this issue came up. We all wound up going out of town (to the same place). The guys stayed in one hotel, the girls in another. We went out to bars around the area, but we were close to each other, should we need to see each other. I think it was the perfect way to do it.

I am so sorry that you're having such a problem with this. I agree with your feelings, though. I can understand his wanting a party, but I wish that he could respect your feelings some. I really wish I could offer you some advice, but all I can to is give you my support! Let me know if you need anything!

Softball Slut said...

Personally, I go to them and I enjoy them. I know it is not going home with me, but it can make the night later a lot more fun. I do recognize that not everyone is like me. My bf isnt even comfortable going to them. So I stopped going as much for him. Doesnt bother me, and I save money and hangovers :) My thing is that if you trust him in everyday life, then this should not matter. He is the same guy making the same decisions. But since marriage is a compromise you def need to let him know how you feel. Maybe even just print up your blog and the replies and show him. See what he says. Show him that you are getting and thinking of both sides of the story.

dcrmom said...

Delurking. Hi! I think you have every right to feel the way you do. I think it's beyond disrespectful to you. It's just wrong. And you are NOT being controlling to request that it doesn't happen. Can you talk to boyfriend about it?? Sorry, girl, it just sucks.

tAnYeTTa said...

just call his bluff and tell him to have a nice time. i'm sure he says he wants to go but, honestly i think he's trying to play mind tricks with you. tell him to knock it off and your socks too while he's at it :)

Virginia Belle said...

oh, ster! i'm upset after reading this! does boyf know how upset you are? why isn't he putting his foot down and saying something to stop this? he must be upset that you are upset. can't you guys compromise?

i hope you are feeling better about this situation by now. (I am, as usual, terribly behind in reading here...)