that is obviously the question that i never even realized was a question until the other night.
boyfriend and i had a really, really, nice talk about whether or not we'd like to have kids together once we get married. i had just assumed that he wanted a baby. like i didn't even think that maybe he wouldn't want one. we always talk about our unborn kid and he jokes about how it had better be a boy and i torment him with the fact that it will be a girl (and then i chase him around target with girly dresses yelling, "daddy.. yook at me- don't i yook pitty?") but he isn't sold 100% on the idea. and i was surprised. not upset at all- just surprised. so we talked about the why's and why not's and we both are thinking the same types of things. who knew? communication.. it's such a brilliant concept. everyone should do it.
we talked about how comfortable our lives are now. how we aren't struggling financially and how having a baby would completely change that. how we'd go from being comfortable, to most likely, struggling. how possibly having a child means never owning anything in this god forsaken state. we discussed the fact that it is nice to not have blake every other weekend and have a life. go away for the weekend, go out, or just mentally be more free than normal. it doesn't sound like much and you might think i'm an awful mom, but i enjoy my blake-free time. (not at the moment because he's been gone for over a week and i miss him like crazy). also, how having a baby, means having a kid full time- you know, like most people do. but that alone would be an adjustment for us. i'm sure it wouldn't be a difficult transition at all, but who knows?
i brought up the fact that sometimes, just thinking about being pregnant again makes me want to throw up. losing control of your body like that, and having to struggle to lose all the weight again, and how much of a mental battle it is- just doesn't sound like fun. hell, i still haven't lost all the baby weight 8 years later. ha! but the thought of starting over and having a little baby with diapers and formula and doctor's appointments up the ass.. it has been SO long since i've had to do any of that kind of stuff that sometimes, it's honestly, not appealing in the slightest.
boyfriend talked about feeling timing pressure. like if we had a baby, it would have to be soon after the wedding. and even though i'm 6 years older than boyfriend, the pressure really isn't from me and my body. for some reason, it's not about that. it's more about blake and how he's 8 years old already. and that we'd like to give him a sibling when he could actually enjoy it. that sounds funny, but you know what i mean! boyfriend and i both have brothers and sisters who are 8 and 10 years older than we are. we're super close with them now- but growing up, there are just too many years inbetween. and it makes me sad for blake. i know he'd be an amazing older brother. and lord knows he needs someone to be his biggest fan constantly (which really means he needs someone to watch him do things, like build a puzzle or play a video game. note that i didn't say play with him, but watch him). and i understand that timing pressure, because it's not like i want blake to be 15 by the time we have a kid. it seems so pointless to have them each grow up practically without eachother. plus, if we wait that long to start having kids, they won't be out of the house before i'm practically 70! who wants that? i want a life with my husband and no kids in the house when we can actually enjoy it!! although i'm sure by then that 70 will be the new 50. but seriously, it is appealing to think that the kids would be gone and out of the house (in theory) while we're still "young" enough to totally enjoy it.
a lot of the discussion was based around money. it's not that we can't afford to have a baby, it's more that maybe we don't want to give up our comfort level for it? maybe we'd like to be able to do more fun things and travel with blake and just have a more comfortable life without all the sacrifices and restrictions. having a baby changes a lot of things. and we just aren't sure we want to change what we have and are working towards. it seems like a lot of what we'd want would be put on the back burner, or eventually never reached if we have kids.
i think boyfriend brought up a very important point during our talk- he said he wouldn't feel like he was missing out on something if we didn't have a child together.... because we have blake. i think that's key. but in all honesty, can he really be certain?
we also both agreed that wanting to have a baby with one another, isn't even a question- the want is there.. based on love, emotions and all of that good stuff. and we pointed out that the wanting for a baby together is purely emotionally based. and that's reason enough. because it's really all the reason you need. want and love. and that was pretty much the end of the why we should list. lol
we didn't find any answers that night. i'm not sure we were really searching for any. it was an interesting evening and a conversation that neither of us feel bad about having. and now i'm sharing it with you...