i started keeping a journal to my dad online. i was just feeling too much and going through so much, i needed an outlet. i had to get these feelings and emotions and thoughts out of my head. so i wrote (privately). but i never read them. the one time i tried to go back to read something i had written, i couldn't get through it. it just hurt too much. so i have never, until today, read what i've written. i'm in a different place now, of course- and i can actually read this without crying. and i can read it and totally respect and see what part of me it came from. and i remember feeling that way. and being so angry. and there's a part of me that is happy i'm not that angry anymore.
i've wanted to talk about this. i've wanted to touch on this subject because it haunts me daily. especially with the wedding coming up, and how certain things won't be happening that typically happen in weddings, because of my dad's actions. and i've never known where to start. or how. so i figured that i would share with you, something i've only shared with boyfriend up until now..... my first entry in the journal to my dad. and let me preface this by thanking you. for taking the time to read this.
god, i don't even want to call you that. i'm so disgusted by your actions, that i feel like you don't deserve the title. i'd call you something else, but i don't know what to address you by. i guess for now i'll continue calling you that name- just recognize that it holds no meaning to me. speaking of names, let's talk about the one you gave me- my last name. i've always been more than proud to be jenn
seriously, what the hell are you doing? could you be more selfish? could you be possibly more hurtful towards the people who have done nothing but love and stand by you all these years? i can't stand you for what you've done to mom. the way you have and continue to hurt her. it's horrible. to hear her bawling her eyes out day after day because of the choice you made- to hear the sound of her heart literally breaking... the pain you've caused. the pain you continue to cause her. it's heartbreaking to me to know how much 1 person's choices can completely alter someone's life. but she'll be fine without you. don't worry about that. she'll get to the point where she doesn't need or miss you anymore. probably right about the time you realize what a huge, fucking, idiotic, stupid ass mistake you've made. but you'll never come back. that would mean that you would have to admit you made a mistake, and you don't believe you've done that. it's one thing to feel as if this was something you "had" to do- whatever- but you can also admit that you were wrong. yes, you can admit that. or maybe you can't. maybe you've never been able to admit that you were wrong. i really wouldn't know- i wasn't the one married to you. as a child, you realize that you don't really "know" your parents... you only know what is presented to you in the way it's presented. it's no one's fault really- it's just the roles that each plays in life.
i have so much to say. i have so much stirring inside me. i feel like your actions have completely fucked with my head in ways that i won't even realize until i'm forced too. i'm sure i'll take this out on my boyfriend in some way. someone who doesn't deserve whatever potential shit i might throw at him because of YOU. not his actions, but yours. i only hope that he'll be strong enough and wise enough to see through it- to know where it comes from, even if i don't. but i'd be stupid to think that the 1 relationship that was closest to me for my whole entire life, wouldn't affect me in some way when it fell apart. especially based on the reasons. thank you dad, for whatever trust issues i will now have because of this.
you know, it's not like i ever worshipped the relationship that you and mom had. i never idolized the 2 of you and wanted to be like you guys or anything. i don't have anyone that i look up to in that way. there is no relationship that i long to mimick. yet still- at 30 years old- to have you do something like this.... is still traumatic. you, the one person who was supposed to be different, isn't. you've proved to me that men, no matter how old they are, are still typical. the one thing i hate more than anything... the one thing i can't stand.. TYPICAL guys.. the cheating, the oggling, the asshole behavior, the bullshit. and you're it. you're TYPICAL. and it's such a fucking waste. you disgust me. you disappoint me. you're supposed to be better than that!! you're supposed to be SMARTER than that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you're supposed to be DIFFERENT!!!!!!!!!!!!! but you're fucking not! you suck- just like most men do. and i hate you for it. i hate you for being like everyone else. i hate you for not being able to keep your fucking dick in your pants. i hate you for turning your back on the ENTIRE fucking family and walking away. and i hate you for however this is going to fuck me up because you couldn't stay faithful. i hate how i see you now. how i think of you with nothing but disgust and horrible thoughts. talk about being disappointed. being let down constantly by the men in my life. how wonderful that the main character now equals you.