no seriously. like now that we've left the restaurant, i think she's sitting back there- crying. like real tears. cause apparently, i.am.one.offensive.bitch.
a few of us went out to dinner the other evening. we got a somewhat sassy little waitress who was trying to be cute and cool. she failed however, because she was neither. when i asked her if i could get some more water, she replied with, "oh hell yeah!" so basically i figured that she was fun! i figured i could play with her and she wouldn't get offended or freak out. damn my spidey senses were SO off with this one.
i ordered a salad (i wasn't hungry people, don't get all dinner nazi on me) and she asked me if i was allergic to nuts because even though it doesn't list nuts in the ingredients, there are nuts in the salad. i let her know to pile em on, i'm a nut freak- she laughed and was like "right on" (okay she might not have actually said "right on," but that was her vibe).
we get our food and i notice there are no nuts on my salad. she built up the damn nuts and now there are none. so i was laughing and i said, "there are no nuts in this salad, you lyin' whore." right then her eyes got really big and she stepped back, stopped smiling and walked away. then she practically ran over to the bar where she started talking to every other person that worked there. jimmy and boyfriend both informed me that she was highly offended and that she wasn't laughing and that i should apologize. first of all, i got defensive because i was KIDDING AROUND and secondly, i felt like an asshole and jimmy and boyfriend were making me feel worse. the last thing i need when i've done something stupid is to have it pointed out. and continually pointed out. and then repeated again.
so i'm in shock thinking she can't really be upset. can she? i was totally kidding. so i called her a whore. i call everyone whores. and i figure that she must be this upset because she actually IS a whore. and then i think she should consider herself lucky because she isn't that cute, so if she really is a whore- then good for her. whores have more fun, eh? apparently not this one.
so now she won't come near our table. she walks the long way around- all the way around the restaurant to get to the table next to us and walks the long way back just so that she doesn't have to pass us. so i'm realizing that she really is offended. so i tell everyone i'll fix it, because that's what i do. i'll apologize and all will be well. she can't be mad if she knows i was kidding, right? right? wrong.
i walked to the back of the restaurant where she was talking to the cooks and her eyes almost bulged out of her head when she saw me coming towards her. i asked her if she was seriously upset about this and she looked at me dumbfounded. i informed her that i was completely and 100% joking around.. and how she can talk to me all "hells yeah" when i ask for water, but i can't joke around with her? and then a conversation somewhat like this happened:
whore: "you called me a whore!!!!!!"
ster: "i was totally kidding! i call all my friends whores! i call everyone whores! like, what's going on whore?! like that!"
whore: "but you said i was a whore! i don't think that's funny."
ster: "um, i don't even know you, so you realize this wasn't personal right? like i wasn't REALLY calling you a whore?!! i was just fucking around."
so basically, she was an unreceptive bitch to my apology. now i was pissed off and feeling bad. she didn't wait on us anymore. she made someone take over our table because she was that upset and refused to face me. i can't make this shit up.
so everyone- let this be a warning to you.. i make people cry. random people. strangers.
everyone going to blogher- if i call you a whore, take it as a compliment- it means i think you're actually fun enough to handle it. but the new inside joke in sterland is- if you call me a whore, i'm going to cry. because apparently being a whore is not funny! or fun!
*runs off crying non-whorish tears*