if you haven't read this post by amalah.. go read it now. i'll wait. *twiddles fingers*
when blake was a baby he wouldn't sleep. and i mean that it was a struggle to get him to go to bed every.single.night before midnight. i tried the crying it out thing. he just sat in there and cried. he wouldn't get out of his bed (oh yeah, i forgot to mention that this went on until he turned 5 and started "real" school) but he would be awake. crying. yelling. singing. talking. laughing. anything, but sleeping. and if you're like me at all, you need some "me" time everynight if possible. i couldn't relax and unwind from my day at work until blake was asleep. and if that didn't happen until midnight... well, let's say you had a very tired single mom the next morning. and the next. and the next. it seriously got to the point that i didn't want to come home from work sometimes. because i had to go home to a kid who would not sleep. a kid who simply wasn't tired at 9.. was definitely tired by 10, but would fight it with every ounce of his being... and who was still fucking awake by the time 11 rolled around. i think he was trying to kill me. or maybe he wanted me to kill him.
there were days that i could deal with his constant bullshit. there were. but there were also days that i wanted to throw him into a wall. i just wanted him to stop crying and sleep. for the love of my fucking sanity, just GO TO SLEEP. but he wouldn't. and so there were times that i had to open the door to my condo, walk outside, and sit on the steps. and i would cry. and i wanted to yank my out all of my fucking hair because i was just so frustrated. and i had no one to call. and i had no help. and i just couldn't take it. and i didn't know how to fix it. and no matter what i did, it just never got better. and i am not joking when i tell you that this literally happened every single day for 5 years. it's a wonder we made it this far alive.
i guess my whole point is that we've all been there. well, at least i have. been through times where you think about doing something drastic to your child. you want to scream. yell. shake them. toss them. lock them in a closet. give them to a neighbor. run away. but you don't. you don't do any of those things. but you think about it. and then those thoughts torture you, because you wrack yourself with so much guilt for even thinking those thoughts. nevermind all it took to push you to that point. you still are a terrible mother for having those thoughts, right? i don't think so. i just think you're human. we're moms. we're people. we're freaking complicated and emotional women. and we can't handle it all, all the time. and i really hate when other women try to act so goddammed perfect all the time. like they never lose their temper. and always keep their cool, no matter what happens. i think the only people who do that are robots..... and they're not people! amalah was so right on when she said that if no one tells you that it's normal to feel this way sometimes, you'd never know. you'd think you're always supposed to be perfect. but it's so not realistic. at all. and even though i'm telling you that it's okay to want to do something to make your child stop (not that i said it's okay to do it), you will still beat yourself up for even having the thought even enter your mind. and that's not something i can help you with. because you're a woman. and well, i think it's part of what we do.