there are days i wish that i could walk blake to school every morning, stay in his class and help out for a few hours, and then wait outside his classroom everyday when he gets out, and walk home with him. on the rare occasion that i do get to pick blake up from school, i swear it seems like every mom but me, is waiting to pick up their kid. and in the morning when i'm bringing blake to school, lots of moms stay to help in the class. how do so many mom's get to do that? seriously, it baffles me how many people get to stay home and not "work." and i've always wondered how? especially in this state. how the hell does anyone afford to NOT have both parents working?!???
while i swear up and down that i'm not built to be a stay at home mom, sometimes i wonder how true that really is. sometimes i think i'm just trying to convince myself. because if i believe that i could never be the type to stay at home with my kids all day, then i won't feel bad that i can't. i won't be upset that it's not an option for me. even if i wanted to stay home, i couldn't. so it's easier to just say that i don't want too. you know? i've always said that given the choice to stay home or work, i'd pick work everytime. i enjoy working. i like getting out of the house, interacting with people, and working for amazing companies. how could i ever get resentful or be bitter about working if i feel like that's what i would do even if i didn't have too? but sometimes i wonder if that's entirely true. i never questioned this before. but i wonder if as i'm getting older, my thoughts on this are changing? or maybe it's mostly because we moved and i feel less involved in what's going on in blake's life. i don't know the kids, and nothing about this community is familiar to me. where we lived before, it was all familiar. comfortable. safe. and since there was no one else in my life, i was involved in every aspect of blake's. i knew everyone and now i feel like i'm lucky if his own teacher recognizes me. it's obviously an adjustment, and i guess i'm having a harder time than i realized with it. because i find myself wanting to spend time in his classroom. and wanting to go on his field trips. and just wanting to be involved. and blake wants me there too- and it breaks my heart when he begs me to do something with his class and i tell him "i can't." well why can't i? in the grand scheme of things, what the fuck is truly important? the time you spend with your child, or the amount of hours you put in at work? of course it's the catch 22 of needing your job to pay your bills, etc etc.. but there has to be some sort of balance in there. so i've decided (of course now that the school year is OVER) that i will take days off next school year to be more involved. i will go on a couple field trips. i will work in his classroom. because that stuff matters.
i think the honest to god truth for me about working and not working is somewhere in the middle. because truly, i'm not built to be a stay at home mom all the time. someone would die. or go insane and need to be medicated. and most likely that someone would be me, and who wants to go through all that shit? i really don't think that i could handle staying at home all day, everyday, and still be a happy person. i think that i would lose my fucking mind, not to mention the countless times i'd lose my patience. i do believe that being out of the house is better for my sanity. at least when they're younger it is. now that blake is older and at school most of the day, it's different. but when they're so little and needy and can't do anything for themselves.. i need a break. so yeah, somewhere in the middle would be perfect. in theory. but in all honesty, who knows with me.