Tuesday, June 27, 2006

oh, to be me

i couldn't wait to get down to LA this past weekend. i miss things about home that i can't really explain at times, except that it's just "home." i was excited that the weekend was going to be just me and blake. and i thought it would be good for boyfriend and i to have a whole weekend apart (even though we just had one 2 weeks prior). and this wasn't because anything was wrong, it's just that i firmly believe that you don't have to do every single thing together. and i think that alone days, weekends, nights, whatever- are totally healthy and normal. so i didn't even give it a second thought when i left on friday.

but then friday night rolls around and boyfriend is living it up at our place with his buddies and while i'm having a great time too- i realize that he has a life when i'm gone. i leave, and he has friends that can come over and hang out, and nothing has changed for him, except i'm not there to bitch at him for being a slob. and i got bitter about that. i got bitter because when he left for the weekend he was gone, i had a great time, but i didn't get to hang out at our place with my girlfriends drinking and shooting the shit.. because well.. i don't really have any girlfriends up here. and the very few girlfriends i would hang out with, have kids, have lives, and getting together isn't simple or easy. i'm not normally the type to care. i think 90% of the time, i don't feel like i'm lacking in any way and i'm normally so freaking busy with blake and with life, that the absence of girlfriends is hardly noticeable. but that 10% does exist. and when it hits me, it hits me hard. suddenly, i was transported back to when boyfriend and i were dating long distance- and he had a life doing whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted, and i was "stuck" at home, being a single mom to a 5 year old. and i had to remind myself that things weren't like that anymore. that we lived together now and that we weren't 400 miles apart almost every single day. it was weird, because i've never experienced that feeling before. i've never been transported back to us not being together, and having it almost be a negative feeling. because at the time, i was always fine.

and then i realized something else. i missed him. to the point that it was almost painful. and i hated being down there without him. seeing friends that are his friends too. doing things for and with blake, without him. it sucked. and i was snappy with him on the phone and it was all just misplaced emotions. i missed him so much. but in a sick way, it was a good thing. i needed to miss him, because i didn't think i would. when i'm going home, the last thing on my mind is that i might miss the person i adore. seriously. but boy was i wrong. so wrong that i can't imagine going down there again without him. don't get me wrong, i still firmly believe in alone time and guys weekends and all of that stuff. it's just that he is such a large, important, and positive part of my life, that not having him around to share things with doesn't work for me anymore. it's just not as fun doing wonderful things when he's not there to do them too. it's like a part of me is missing. and what ends up happening is that the poor guy gets like a million picture messages on his phone. it's not the same.

i guess the whole reason i'm writing this is because i was surprised. by all of it. my emotions surprise me sometimes. especially when i think i've got it all down and i know what i will or won't feel. that's when my emotions give me a kick in the ass and then sit there laughing at me. and i'm wondering what the fuck just happened and why?! but it was all positive. it's good to miss the one you love. it's even better to come home to them.

32 comments:

Melissa said...

Few things....one, I think it's cool that you realize it for what it is. Two, it is okay to miss him. And it is okay to have some time apart. It reminds you why that person is the man you intend to marry. Three, your lists on the side are overlapping too much and I can't see all the post and it is making me crazy.

Luv ya. ;)

Eileen said...

Nice. True.

Kristin said...

I say, "Lucky Boyfriend!" I think we all tend to take the people we love and our feelings for them for granted..

I'll come up and hang out with you... then we can have fun and I can remember to miss Hugh!

carrie said...

So true! I am also a firm believer of not being attached at the hip, but missing someone you love does make you pause and listen to your heart! AWWWWW!

Carrie

Alison said...

Sweet post. Chris and I do almost everything together because it's not as fun when he's not there. BUT, I do love to get out with the girls (without the kids and the hubby) once in awhile.

Am I losing my freaking mind or was there another post from today on your blog earlier? Did I dream the whole damn thing? What's happening??

Beth said...

well said! i had a moment like that after hubby and i moved in together, and i went away without him. it was strange. now we are married. RARELY go alone anymore. he leaves for 2 days on thursday, i already miss him. corny, but true.

Stephanie A. said...

This was a really sweet post. It was sweet because it is just how obviously in love with boyfriend you are.

I miss Adam most when I'm sleeping alone. While I'm the first to complain that he's smothering me or stealing the blankets, too much air and too many blankets suck. Big time.

norcalgirl28 said...

alison, you may have dreamed it, but I commented on something that wasn't there??!?!?!?!? Now, how the hell do you think that makes me feel? The lists are making me crazy too. It's all up to the imagine exactly what words are under the lists.
I have two words for you Jenn, "soul mate" I think it is confirmed by this blog It makes me smile to think of your love for each other How many times did he climb the hill looking for reception a few weeks ago so he could talk to you?

Jenn said...

AND your banner on top isn't working either!!!

Mike and I had sooo much missing each other in the begining that I'm not ready to start missing him again yet. =o) He's mine now and I'm gonna SMOTHER HIM! MMMWAAAAHAAAHAAAA LOL JK

Becky said...

could not agree more. thats how i get everytime i go home w/o matt. especially this last time. cuz it was me and hannah and NOT matt. 1st time for that one. it sucked. we too sent a 1000 picture messages but nothing helps.

sorry you dont have alot of gfriends up there. i dont have that many down here. BUT we both have a kid and a sig other we live with and its more fun to be with them most the time than with the girls anyway right? lol. seriously though its cuz we ARE too busy to have tons of friends like we used to. and once you and point get married you wont be making these trips alone anymore. heck you probably wont anymore after this last time huh?

Bonnie B said...

This is so true. I've often thrown eye darts at my husband because he has a life all the time with friends and what have you. Meanwhile, I'm doing laundry and chasing the kids and periodically thinking man it would be fun to have a girls night out. But the last time I went away, I kept thinking this would be so much fun if he were here-- and then I missed him.
Iy is important for sanity's sake to get away without him once in a while-- other wise I might hit him with one of my eye darts-- and that would be tragic.

Random Musings Of My Life said...

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Just so you know as I am not sure how long you have been following me, the hubby and I when we were engaged spent 2 years living in different countrys, I can not even go to Vegas for 1 night with my girlfriends without missing him.
BUts for what its worth, its good to have time away, time for yourself regardless of how much you miss him.
Its healthy.

sunshine scribe said...

A little missing when you are apart can be good for a relationship actually. My husband travels alot for work and at first I hated it and when I looked at the otherside - the thrill of the reunion etc - then I realized it was a verrrrry good thing :)

alison said...

Yes, I commented on the phantom post too! It was about Jenn turning into a bridezilla! Where did it go, Hooch??

P.S. Your banner is working now. Don't you just love all of our bitching and complaining? Perfection, it's all we ask for.

wendy boucher said...

I guess time away helps us focus our emotions. I think we all get surprised by the power of emotions from time to time. I hope you and Blake had a great time.

Lisa Goldstein/Kelly Kelly said...

Isn't it cool to discover these kind of intense feelings? It's nice to realize we don't have everything down about ourselves; we are human, and we feel things we can't control or even understand; and we feel intensely, and we live out loud. And own it. You go girl!

I know how you feel about not having girls to hang out with who aren't busy with kids/families. Ugh.

Lisa

Lisa

socialworker/frustrated mom said...

Nice blog thanks for stopping in to mine. Single mom must have been hard. Hope you are happier now.

Jodi said...

Exactly. I think it's okay to miss boyfriend and then to remember how much you truly love him. Sometimes if you are with the one you love TOO much U forget you really do love them. :) And this is just one more reminder that's he's your man.

BTW, cute pics of your trip to LA. You got some perrty friends and you're not half bad yourself! :)

Lisa said...

I'm with Kristin. Its good to get away and realize how much you miss and love your honey. You tend not to take them for granted.

mollymcmommy said...

wanted to say like the new "look" around your place, i likey very muchy! :)

tim and i are sick in that we do a lot together, we do things apart too....mainly stuff that the other doesn't like (for ex. golf....ugg!, thats a "him" thing alone)

when i work nights and i'm not sleeping beside him he says he misses me.....ok, did i just make you puke??!! LMAO!!

i like what carriebrett said...so i will just say ditto on that :)

m

Painter Beach Girl said...

tell me about it! I have three months of rare conversations and long distance commuting every few weeks! ACH!

Catherine said...

Sometimes I think hubby and I would always be at each other's throats if he didn't travel so much, and then my blog would be full of angry venting, and who needs to read THAT?! Anyway, the reuniting part is always sooo nice. I'm glad you're with someone you dig reuniting with. ;)

spidey said...

I am always shocked when I miss Jason-lol! Then again, I have been traveling practically since we started dating, so I am used to being apart a lot...

Meg said...

Hey I understand. I only have 2 close female friends and we are all mothers, so we're usually too busy to get together. The Hubby, on the other hand, has tons of friends and goes out all.the.time. I'm glad he has that, but sometimes I still get jealous. I guess that's just life as a mom...

Nicole said...

I think it's nice that you missed him. As they say, absence makes the heart grow fonder. Maybe since you sent mixed signals to him on the phone you should share this blog entry (or just your feelings) with him.

Thanks for visiting my blog!

Mike said...

*gasp*
*chokes*
*gasp*

help........my wife Jenn is smoothering me. *gasp*

Seriously, Jenn and I spend a lot of time together. We have a lot of friends that are married, so we all usually hang out together. It works out real well. I do miss her when she's out with the girls alone though. Most of my guy friends are pretty busy and we only see each other once in a while.

Pendullum said...

My husband travels all the time now... He leaves for England in a few days...
And whenver he leaves, gets into the limo and waves good-bye to us a part of my heart sinks...
He is no longer a phone call away, he is no longer there to hear a rant,
Our side of the planet is a bit sad whenever he goes and so anxious for his return to our universe...

Hippie Mama said...

Yeah, I knew for sure that marrying my fiance was the right choice when, over our engagement, I took a week and a two week trip away from him, and I missed him HORRIBLY.

Your blog is cool, your son is soooo cute and looks like you!

Piece of Work said...

when you are doing something you really enjoy, like being in L.A., its natural that you would want to share that with your fiance. Whenever I'm doing something fun, I want Lance to be there, too. And I get a little annoyed if he is doing something fun and I'm not with him.
Sounds like you two are meant to be.

Tori said...

I agree with Kristin...
I need to go away for a LONG time to see if I miss Hub even just a teeny weeny bit!
(a bit bitter today!!!!)
And yes... it's good to miss someone - absence makes the heart grow fonder....

heidi said...

Pancake ad I do everything together and I often worry that it's not healthy. But then something comes up like he has to travel ALL WEEK for work, and I get slapped back into the reality that, I like doing everything with him.

tray said...

sweet! when cam and I are apart now, I miss him so much more too! we still spend a day or two apart during the week (here and there) but we've been together more since the wedding (dur we SHOULD) than ever in 6 years. It's just a given that we're together now. when we're not, I go back to our "single lives" and I think it sucks to NOT be with him. :) I wonder how I did it for 6 years.