i couldn't wait to get down to LA this past weekend. i miss things about home that i can't really explain at times, except that it's just "home." i was excited that the weekend was going to be just me and blake. and i thought it would be good for boyfriend and i to have a whole weekend apart (even though we just had one 2 weeks prior). and this wasn't because anything was wrong, it's just that i firmly believe that you don't have to do every single thing together. and i think that alone days, weekends, nights, whatever- are totally healthy and normal. so i didn't even give it a second thought when i left on friday.
but then friday night rolls around and boyfriend is living it up at our place with his buddies and while i'm having a great time too- i realize that he has a life when i'm gone. i leave, and he has friends that can come over and hang out, and nothing has changed for him, except i'm not there to bitch at him for being a slob. and i got bitter about that. i got bitter because when he left for the weekend he was gone, i had a great time, but i didn't get to hang out at our place with my girlfriends drinking and shooting the shit.. because well.. i don't really have any girlfriends up here. and the very few girlfriends i would hang out with, have kids, have lives, and getting together isn't simple or easy. i'm not normally the type to care. i think 90% of the time, i don't feel like i'm lacking in any way and i'm normally so freaking busy with blake and with life, that the absence of girlfriends is hardly noticeable. but that 10% does exist. and when it hits me, it hits me hard. suddenly, i was transported back to when boyfriend and i were dating long distance- and he had a life doing whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted, and i was "stuck" at home, being a single mom to a 5 year old. and i had to remind myself that things weren't like that anymore. that we lived together now and that we weren't 400 miles apart almost every single day. it was weird, because i've never experienced that feeling before. i've never been transported back to us not being together, and having it almost be a negative feeling. because at the time, i was always fine.
and then i realized something else. i missed him. to the point that it was almost painful. and i hated being down there without him. seeing friends that are his friends too. doing things for and with blake, without him. it sucked. and i was snappy with him on the phone and it was all just misplaced emotions. i missed him so much. but in a sick way, it was a good thing. i needed to miss him, because i didn't think i would. when i'm going home, the last thing on my mind is that i might miss the person i adore. seriously. but boy was i wrong. so wrong that i can't imagine going down there again without him. don't get me wrong, i still firmly believe in alone time and guys weekends and all of that stuff. it's just that he is such a large, important, and positive part of my life, that not having him around to share things with doesn't work for me anymore. it's just not as fun doing wonderful things when he's not there to do them too. it's like a part of me is missing. and what ends up happening is that the poor guy gets like a million picture messages on his phone. it's not the same.
i guess the whole reason i'm writing this is because i was surprised. by all of it. my emotions surprise me sometimes. especially when i think i've got it all down and i know what i will or won't feel. that's when my emotions give me a kick in the ass and then sit there laughing at me. and i'm wondering what the fuck just happened and why?! but it was all positive. it's good to miss the one you love. it's even better to come home to them.