Monday, June 05, 2006

let's talk about love

no really. i wanna. and it's not just going to be about myself here. i really, really want to hear from y'all (that's me pretending to be a southern belle). i want to hear your stories. i want to know things. i want to talk about love.

i love, love. seriously. it's pathetic, but i don't care. it's so much a part of who i am. when i was single, my gf's always made fun of me. they said i was so freaking picky. they would tease me about stupid shit like, "what was wrong with that one jenn, did he have an eyebrow out of place or something?" as if i didn't date guys because they had bad teeth. wait, i think i would do that actually.
my whole point is though- that i knew what i was looking for. i knew what i wanted in a guy. and i also knew within 5 minutes of talking to someone, if i wanted to talk to them ever again or not. it seemed like no one else could ever understand that concept. but honestly, they didn't have too. cause i knew what was right for me. i found an old paper i had written in high school for cripes sake that said something about finding the one and how i would know it was him when i met him, and how i believed in that. that type of belief has always been a part of me. it's not something i can explain with logic. it's not something i can explain to make sense to anyone who doesn't believe in things like that (soulmates, soul recognition, past lives, etc). but it's also not something i need to explain. it's something i believe in, in the very pits of my being. and sometimes when you truly believe in something so deeply, rationalization isn't required... and neither are the words. you can't and shouldn't have to justify your beliefs. but you should be open minded enough to accept that not everyone thinks or believes the same things- and respect the differences we all share. moving on..

for those of you who are married (happily or not).... why did you choose to marry the person you did? and i don't mean from the perspective of now- like how far you've both come or maybe how they aren't the person you thought they would be, etc. i mean, looking back to then. why did you choose to marry them? did you know they were the one? tell me your story.

for those of you who are divorced (dustin, etc).. why did you marry the person? and what did you learn from that relationship? and what do you look for in your next one? and i guess the most oblivious question- do you want to get remarried?

for those of you with significant others (virginia belle, firemantaco, etc)... do you think you're dating the person you're going to marry? if so, tell me why. if not, tell me why. yeah yeah, i'm a nosey bitch.

for my single partners in crime (rick, penguin, etc).. what are you looking for in a mate? are you looking for THE ONE, or would you settle for just any one right now? lol

for my one gay reader (that i know of anyways.. lol).. what is the status with you and will? if you "could" get hitched, would you?

45 comments:

texas math said...

Ha...I answered this question in my latest post! and if I hurry I'll be the fist to leave a comment.

Tara said...

Hmmmm...well M and I have been through alot, and I cant say I knew we'd get married, because we were only 16 when we started dating. But I can say that we connected instantly, and that I knew he was a guy I could see spending a long time with.
How did I know if I wanted to marry him? HA...we all know I thought I didn't know for awhile there, but I realized that he's my best friend, my lover, my everything. He adds to my life and makes me a better person. He isnt all that I am..but he does brighten it all up. He makes me smile, even when it seems almost impossible to do (on those days where I just wanna slap someone )
I could go on and on about this.

Painter Beach Girl said...

I got married because he was pretty much the first guy that I dated that didnt hit me...but then he ended up being emotionally abusive, so I divorced him. I married him because I thought he made me feel safe, he had money and a great job and wanted me to stay home with kids, etc...when all it did was make me whither away inside. Now I am with a man (Chef) who accepts me for who I am...I have never heard a critical word from him about me...no judgement, no controlling me, he loves me and encourages me to remain independent but love and be loved through it all. It is new for me!

Stephanie A. said...

I'm just like you- in college I dated several men within one year. However, each man only got one date because I just *knew* that they weren't for me. Some of them became friends, but others drifted and hopefully found someone right for them.

When I met Adam and shook his hand, I 100% knew that he'd always be in my life. I did not realize it would get to marriage, but I knew we'd become instant friends and stay that way forever. I married him because he's my best friend. He makes me laugh, he gets me, he gets my background, he is cultured, and he is man enough to sit through a musical!

Right now things are challenging for us, but we're handling it well because we're friends first. It is easier for us to look at what is goign on objectively and work as a team toward our goal.

Any of that make sense?

Mommy off the Record said...

ooooh, interesting question. It's so hard to think back that far, but let me see....:)

I chose to marry my husband because he was my best friend. I had more fun with him than anyone I knew. I was most "myself" around him, most comfortable around him than anyone else. I loved how we had good conversations, I never got tired of being with him, he made me laugh and laugh. He was intelligent and had a good heart. We had similar educational and cultural backgrounds. All of this plus that one undefinable feeling you get around a person, that flutter, that makes you feel "in love", was why I married him.

And thank goodness I love him cuz if I didn't love him, I don't think I could get through all of these dang Saturdays when he takes off to go golfing. LOL!

Looking forward to reading others posts. I'm sure they will be more eloquent than my ramblings. Cheers, Jen!

Lisa said...

I knew after my first official date with my hubby that I wanted to marry him.

On the date, we went to a bunch of bars, talked like crazy and at 5a.m. he brought me to my apartment. He kissed me goodbye and walked away. As he did, I couldn't resist watching him walk away. He had NO IDEA he was being watched. And he was turning/twirling, and doing this funny little happy dance in the middle of the street.

Seeing that -- made me just KNOW.

Melissa said...

I love love too. I love talking about love. But I consider myself lucky, I knew the moment I met Hubby that he was it. And shit girl, I was 15 years old. We are considered abnormal. And yes, it was a soul connection. I saw something I knew about him from across a busy HS classroom. The second I knew his name and looked into his eyes, I knew I'd marry him.

Ok, leaving now, that tomato was too close to my head.

Beth said...

Good post!
I was totally smitten with Patrick from day 1. I also was in a bad relationship at the time. I knew It was over, and I knew Patrick liked me. Before we dated, I made a promise to myself that I would always be myself with him (problem of mine in the past) and if he like me, great, if not, bye! He of course did. It was always so natural. We talked about our future very early on, and it wasn't scary. He is totally my other half. Calms me down when I spaz and vise versa. It just works. He loves me more than anyone ever had too. Life was just easy with him and still is. I too could go on, but our anniversary is soon and I'll be swooning over there! lol!

jane said...

I've been with Tarzan for almost 10 years now. Like you, I knew he was the one. I know exactly what you mean about knowing within a few minutes if it's someone you ever want to talk to again. There's just a feeling of comfort & a sense of ease, that you can be yourself.
I just read another blog & the writer has been married 39 years. She refers to them as an old pair of shoes. You may want to read this post, it's really something:
http://mamamouseschatter.blogspot.com/

Irreverent Antisocial Intellectual said...

Love. That's a tough one. I can think back on all the times I thought it was "love" only to realize it wasn't. But I'm one of those "logical" types so the whole concept of love is foreign territory for me ... as in, will I allow love to get in the way of all things practical? Basically, I ran from it for too long and finally gave in, so far so good! I have two posts that really explain why Sgt. KAATN and I are together ... but they address other things, just gotta read between the lines. In a nutshell, he puts up with my crap and still thinks I'm the smartest and prettiest gal he knows ... he's a keeper! But for your reading enjoyment (or amusement), the links are below.
http://irreverent-antisocial-intellectual.blogspot.com/2006/06/im-not-daisy.html
http://irreverent-antisocial-intellectual.blogspot.com/2006/05/dog-that-he-is.html

Mel said...

Oooh... good questions, good post. Sadly, too long a story to go into while at work, so... I'll come back later and blather on. ;)

Kevin Charnas said...

Thanks for the link, lover-girl!
Yes, Will and I would've made it legal if we were allowed. We're registered domestic partners in CA, and thus he receives full benefits from my job (at UCSB), which we feel extremely grateful for...
We've been together for 4 years (coming up in a week), which is something like, 28 years in gay years.
He's the only man that I've ever had a long term relationship with. The only one I've ever brought home to meet the folks (they love him).
I was engaged to a woman back in my 20's. We dated for 8 years and were to be married, until I came to terms with my identity...she was a fantastic woman. And i'm sure that she still is. :)

I'm with you on the "feeling" and the past lives. I knew, just knew minutes after meeting Will. It was the oddest thing. I just knew.

I did propose to him in the Forbidden City in Beijing, China a couple of years ago. He said "yes", otherwise I would've left him there. HA!
So, one day, we will have a ceremony, no matter what any ignorant, extremist, bigoted gov't says. They can fucking eat my shit. My love is just as real as anyone else's AND it survives society's wrath. The love I have for Will has NOTHING to do with sex. Nothing.

Elizabeth said...

Chris and I have been together for 21 years this month. When we met he was 16 and I was 17. We were just friends for about a year, and then Spring Break of my Senior Year I had all four wisdom teeth taken out. While I was laying on the couch in a drugged stupor, he came to visit me. And to this day he swears he thought I was cute even with swollen cheeks!

That summer, his girlfriend went to Band Camp to be a counselor and cheated on him. She had him drive for hours to the camp only to tell him she was breaking up with him. He came back home and called me, and I spent the next few days just listening to him talk about how sad he was. We started spending all of our non-working hours together just hanging out, listening to CDs and renting movies.

One night, he was driving me home and we were talking about whether or not we would fall in love with someone. The more he talked about wanting to find the one person he could trust to love him, the more I realized that *I* loved him. We pulled into the driveway of my parents' house, and I told him "I love you", kissed his cheek and ran out of the car into the house!

He called me when he got home and asked me if I had meant what I said. I said yes, and we've been together ever since. We fell in love for real, and have never wanted to "play the field" or anything. I absolutely believe in getting to know someone as a friend before getting romantically involved. I also believe that there is someone for everyone.

Mama Mouse said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog and commenting! You have a beautiful blog... and now on to answer your question about why I married the man I did.

There isn't an easy or romantic answer ... in light of what you read at my blog earlier that is.

I got married during an era where it was expected that girls would get married shortly after highschool ... or they went to college and THEN got married. I had no boyfriends in school ... I was much too shy. I felt that I would never find anyone to love me and be an old maid.

I met my husband where I worked when I was barely 20 years old. We started dating (amazing me in the process) ... and one day he totally shocked me by proposing. He shocked himself too. I was 20 he was 22. I thought about it for about 2 minutes. I liked him ... he was nice ... seemed stable ... and I was happy when I was with him. I said yes. VERY naive.

BUT ... I was ALSO very fortunate. We were compatible ... and we became friends. We grew into our love ... and while it was never the heart pounding passion you read about in women's novels ... it was better .... and it is stupendous now.

We came from a different era ... we grew into our love ... it matured and evolved. But the simple answer to your question is that I was scared I wouldn't get another chance to get married ... and the 1st guy that proposed seemed nice enough and so I married him!

LOL .... isn't it nice it turned out as well as it did???

melissa said...

Happily married! I was ending a terrible first marriage when we met. I met Mike at work. I was worried about a rebound relationship but lo, within a year we eloped. It was crazy to do, but he's it. He's the one. He was always the one. Has it been easy all the time? Oh hell no. Are we just alike? Not at all. But are we right for each other, absolutely!!

denise said...

high school sweet hearts, I knew as soon as he kissed me. Then later my girlfriend told me that after he kissed me he was running through the halls and jumpin' around like he was in a cloud goin' "woo hoo!", that was it, I was hooked Itll be 16 years this September.

cj said...

Oh boy!!! I married Erick because I knew I wanted to be with him forever.... I made a good choice, I can't pick a better person to have at my side. I know he will be supportive of me through anything. I know that if something happens to me, which at one point did, he will take the best care of our girls. Somedays love isn't about the "Ohhhhhhhh baby!!!" but the "Oh baby?!?!?" :) and even those moments are precious in the end.

Mom101 said...

I basically looked at Nate and thought, "you'll do."

;)

Jess said...

I married Keith because I wanted some freedom. I have very strict parents and still had to be home early after I graduated. So, I moved in with Keith, got married and haven't managed to get rid of him yet. Back then he would do anything to make me happy and that hasn't really changed, I think that is what made my mind up to marry him.

EvaRob said...

It wasn't love at first sight..I was pursued...hey, you've gotta let a man sweat...

Alison said...

You go, Kevin! I think our government is ignorant too. Best wishes to you and Will. :)

carrie said...

Why we got married? Shotgun wedding! Am I the only one in the world able to fess up to this? We do have a classic story though.

Attended the same preschool, elementary school and high school. He asked me out in French class, I was a sophomore, he a junior. I said no and spent the next six months chasing him down. From that day on, I would practice my married name on notebook paper at school, I was convinced we'd be together forever. Seven years after that, during my last year of college and after a few breaks (to date others only to affirm that we were the ones for eachother), we were planning for a spring wedding. Well, that quickly turned into a fall wedding and our first son was born in the spring. I've been with him for over half my life (17 years!) Married for 10 (in Sept.). You just know.

Christina_the_wench said...

Very happily remarried now for 3 years as of June 30th, after 10 years of being married to Mr. Wrong aka asswipe.

If you see yourself wanting to get home to be with your man, if you find you respect his ideas and beliefs and share his goals for himself and for you as a couple, if his little 'man-isms' don't make you wanna grab a knife and cut body parts off, marry him. If the thought of your and his grandchildren running around makes you smile, do it. Good luck, woman. ((huggz))

Shawna said...

I was barely 16 when I met Jeremy, but the first day I saw him, I told one of the girls I worked with that I was going to marry that guy someday. I don't know why I felt like that that day. I'd never even talked to him. At 16 Im sure it was just because I thought he was cute. It took about 6 months to get him to notice me in that kind of way, but once he did we were together nonstop. He was 22 and he even took my to my highschool prom w/out complaining. He left cute cards on my car every time he went away to drill for a weekend, stopped to see me at school during lunch with a flower or a card. I really hadn't dated much before him...at least not seriously, more like a friday night date w/ a different guy every week or 2. lol. That was definitely the first time I'd ever felt that way about anyone. I have a journal that I wrote in back then that I had to refer to every day while we were having troubles to remind me WHY I did marry him. It was teenage love though. There are no huge reasons. He just made me feel loved and happy, and I couldn't wait to see him at the end of EVERY day. I couldn't stand ending a date w/ him w/out planning the next night so thatI KNEW that I'd see him for sure the next day. All day at school I'd think about what we were going to do that night, or I'd be writing him notes when I was supposed to be taking notes. *No wonder I didn't do so well my Sr Year in highschool! ha!* But when he asked me to Marry him, it just seemed like the next logical step. I couldn't see myself ever not being with him.
It's really hard to answer this question w/out "looking back now" but only going by what I felt then. So many things have changed.

Yorksdevil said...

I suppose I have to say something then.
I've never been into meaningless flings, though I could do with a bit of female company I'm on the lookout for the 'One' but have the terrible feeling that I'll either blink and miss her or because I'm so backwards I'll miss my shot and she'll be lost to me. I'm not very good at going out and meeting new people, so it's not looking good right now.
Sorry to bring things down. I can be a miserable old sod sometimes!

Jodi said...

I have known my husband since I was 15 and he was 13! Creepy, eh? He said the FIRST time he met me he knew we would get married. Isn't that wild? I didn't have that love at first sight thing going on for him, but once i got to know him we were really good friends and that was what attracted me to him. We got married when I was 21 BTW and are still married, happily, most of the time. :)
Since we got married young we have kind of grown up together I think. We have the same ideals, the same goals, and share interests and that has REALLY really helped. I think we like each other and that helps us get through the rough patchs, and believe me there has been A LOT! :)
hope that helps...

Gypsy said...

Love... swoooooon.

I've been with my guy for almost 9 years, with a minor hiccup of separation in the middle. Yes, he's the one I'm going to marry. We've been talking about it for a while now, and right now it's come down to timing. We are right smack dab in the middle of the right time to get engaged, so I expect it within the next couple of months.

Why is he the guy I'm going to marry? Because he's my best buddy, the best lay of my life, and with him is where I'm my most authentic.

Koenig rugrats said...

I met L at a friends house. We were very young! He was 20 and I was 19. It was love at first sight (seriously). I was in to him the minute I met him. I cant explain it, other than I knew he was the one. That night, I told my friend that I was going to marry L. She laughed at me and said I was crazy!!! We started dating shortly after that and he asked me to marry him 3 weeks later. I met him in January and married him in August. That was 14 years and 3 kids ago. ;)

Becky said...

i guess for me and matt i knew i wanted to marry him because he was driven, he was passionate, he had goals, he had the same dreams and expectations in life that i did...and he was NOTHING like my dad which is exactly the kinda person i wanted to marry. we shared the same religious beliefs and like you, believed in soul mates. and we knew we were eachothers. we have a connection now that we did back then. i like this post!

Jenn said...

Hey, this is your blog, aren't you supposed ta be tellin us about YOU?!?! =oP

But as for me. Mike and I were definitly destined to be together. In fact we tried, we both tried HARD to ignore it and go on with our lives, but the powers that be wouldn't allow it. We couldn't survive without each other.

Mike said...

Long story short, my wife Jenn and I met at work (sat right next to eachother to 2+ years). We had an attraction right away, but didn't know it until 1.5 years into the friendship. We left our significant others and have been together happily ever since. I know that we're happy because we have both been in relationships that we were not happy in. It's a big difference when you can say and do anything in front of and with that person without worrying about their reaction; always knowing that they you both understand eachother on all levels.

jen said...

Ken and I met playing on a co-ed softball team. He played first...I played second and the rest is history! :)

kim said...

Ahhh the L word.
I've been married 4 times lol
Im wayyy to cynical to answer this, especially because you are so happily planning your wedding.
Dont compromise on what you want and need, dont bargain with yourself. Make sure he knows the real you and loves you in spite of you. Dont marry him thinking that you can change an annoying trait or that it will get better after you're married!
Email me and I'll give you the details ...
be happy Jen *hugs*

russ said...

love, it seems, is all about getting the heart brken like a toy

but my grandparents have been married since 1941, so there is some instances where my broad generalization does not apply

Mel said...

I am an oblivious mo-fo and have been for most of my life. Therefore, it shouldn't surprise you to know that the husband says he knew from the first time he saw me that I was the one, even though we didn't see each other again for more than a year. I, on the other hand, forgot I even met him. Then, the next year, I met him again, we fell in love, and the rest is history.
(Heh - I almost typoed that as "hository." LMAO!!!)

Nikki said...

Wow. What an in depth question.

I met hubby after running from a very abusive first marriage. I left with the clothes on my back and just disappeared.

When I met hubby, I didn't like him. Couldn't stand him in fact. I thought he was a jerk because he wouldn't talk to me. I thought he had a problem with female soldiers (I was one) so I therefore had a problem with him.

I had to work with him because he was in my platoon and over time I realised, he's REALLY shy.

I married him because he's truely great person. His values and mine are very similar yada, yada, yada.

But do you want to know the one deciding factor? I have suffered from insomnia due to severe nightmares ever since I was a child, and when we were together, I never had one. Not a single one.

I resisted getting married for a long time, but he was patient and loving and wonderful. We've been together for 10 years now.

He is a fabulous fucking man.

Jennifer said...

Hi Jenn! Ooooh, I love this - I get to tell the story of how John and I came to be! Ok, realy quick while the babies are still asleep... I was already engaged to be married, in Hawaii, in, like, two months. John was working as a bartender downtown. One night my gfs and I went out and ended up at his club. When he handed me my cosmo I dubbed him 'my bartender' and just continued to flirt with him. But there was something more, I can't explain, just something. I hung out at his bar until he finally gave me his number. Within a week I had cancelled my wedding and made plans to date him exclusively. I know! Nuts! So, two to three months into dating we're talking (half joking) about getting married in Italy and believing in soulmates, guardian angels and the like. We happen to be downtown and hop into a cab where, lo and behold, the driver is from Italy and tells us how beautiful it is there and a bunch of other things that convince us it was meant to be, and that the taxi ride was a sign from above that we were meant to be together! So we immediately start making plans to visit and get married in Italy. Before we can make it there we discover that we're two months pregnant...and the rest is history! We still plan on making the trip to Italy, but now it'll be for our ten year anniversary - with our kids in tow!

mollymcmommy said...

jenn, great post!

Tim and I met at a wedding, on the dance floor he asked so sweetly if he could kiss me, he was so cute and sweet of course i said yes.

we met in sept, in dec not even 3 months into dating, (on my birthday! LOL!) i found out we were pregnant! oops!

We waited about a year to get married. From that first moment I met him there was just this "something" that drew me to him and made me so happy to just be with him.

We have our moments as life sure changed drastically quickly for us, but i love him more every day.

i really enjoyed reading everyone's comments.....you're going to have to let us know more about your soulmate jenn!

m

ginger incognito said...

It was all the Husband's idea to get married. Really. I agreed because, well, I couldn't think of one single reason why we shouldn't. When we met, I didn't know he was "the one." In fact, I thought he was flirting with my roommate, not me. (She set me straight during the car ride home, although I still didn't believe her.) But once we were dating, and a friend asked if I had ever thought of marrying him, I replied, "Well, no. But now that you mention it, I can see us together for a long, long time . . . like a lifetime." So when he asked a few months after that, I said yes. And I wouldn't change a thing. I don't think of us as best friends, but rather as something more than that.

Kristin said...

Am I too late to get in on this conversation?

Hugh and I have been married for 11 years and together for a total of 15...

I think I sort of fell in love with him in about 3 minutes.

We have a great marriage but that is because we work hard at it... it is our biggest priority because if we fall apart, so does our family.

I love this post Jenn,... it's so hopeful!

jen said...

I'm seriously at the point when my friends tease me like they teased you...."what's wrong with this one?"

no advice here girl........i suck.

russ said...

You have a mad bunch of comments. A freakishly large number of comments. Jennster never comments on my blog. I turn my back on jennster...forever.

Miss Cow is a Cow said...

EXCELLENT post.

I am getting divorced. My best friend has said to me NUMEROUS Times "Sar, we all have to make the ONE mistake before we can find the right one."

Why did I marry him? (sigh)

I was young and stupid.

Or

To be able to fully appreciate my next husband.

Had I not married dickhead, I would not have my beautiful son. I would probably not be friends with my best friend, and so on.

I do not believe in coincidence. Everything happens for a reason.

My marriage was part of the path. It was a learning experience.

This was a great post. Thank you.

Angry Dad said...

I think my wife and I knew we were in love from the day we first went out, where I had to lay down in her lap. This was because I had was wearing jeans that were too tight, to impress her, and then I got a bad dose of gas. I had to lie down to "releive" the pressure! Hell, if she could put up with that, it had to be instant love didn't it?

partygirljessica said...

I'm happily living the life of a season dater, and in the meantime that I haven't found the one I want to settle with, i'll enjoy dating guys from webdate_dot_com to while my time.