Tuesday, May 23, 2006

when people just don't get it

the wedding this past weekend brought about the "reuniting" of a few people who parted ways on very bad terms. i knew going into it, that i would be seeing this person at the wedding, but i had no intention of talking to her. in my opinion, she's someone who doesn't deserve my friendship, nor my time of day. so imagine my surprise when she comes up to me during the cocktail hour and tries to give me a huge hug as if nothing had ever happened between us. i looked at her ackwardly and asked her if she thought this was weird? she put on a fake smile and attempted to act innocent while questioning me on why on earth this would be weird. then she waved her hand at me and said that all the things that happened were "so long ago" and that "we both said some mean things.. i'm sorry for my part and i know you're sorry for yours." that's where i interjected with a "no, i'm not." first rule of jennster- DO NOT EVER speak for me. do not tell me what i think and/or feel. if you want to know, ask me and i'll tell you- but do not pretend to know or assume anything.

so she tried to have a conversation with me, but i wasn't very receptive. i questioned everything because i didn't believe 95% of what was coming out of her mouth. you see, i refuse to be fake. i'm not going to pretend like things are great, when they aren't. and that's the bottom line. it has nothing to do with being over the things she said or not. it has nothing to do with holding onto anger or letting it go. it has everything to do with just fucking being real about it. i would have been more open and receptive to her, had she approached me in a different way. a way that actually made sense. i would have given her the decency of an honest conversation. but i guess that was asking too much. because there i stood, looking at someone who had the fakest smile ever, and quivering lips, trying so hard so act like things were great and no big deal (when i know that her head wasn't thinking that at all). so i'm glad that i wasn't very nice to her. because at least i was honest. at least i was real. at least no one can ever accuse me of being fake and full of shit. but i'm sure from her perspective i'm this evil bitch who was trying to brawl at one of my closest friends weddings. as if.

i'll admit that i felt bad about it for a little while after. that i almost felt like i owed her an explanation as to why i was so cold. like i needed to explain myself to this person. i felt guilty for not being nice. and i was going to go to her table and talk to her, but i guess they left early. i thought about emailing her to try to get her to see my point of view. but then things happen to remind me why it serves no purpose to do so. and i remember that it's virtually impossible to get her to see things from any other perspective than her own. and then i remember why i don't trust her, and remind myself that i was right when i saw through her & questioned her. because i know the type of person she is, and how she deals with things. i know that it's easier for her to be nice to your face, but talk shit behind your back. and i know that she'll apologize for things she's said- but she won't really be sorry. because she thinks apologizing makes her the "better" person. even when it's not meant. not honest. not sincere.

i'd rather be real. even when it makes me the mean person. because at least it's honest. at least i'm not lying to anyone's face. and at least i'm not lying to myself. i just hate how i will feel bad for it. i hate how i see things not only in black & white, but in a billion shades of gray. there are so many factors and perspectives and ways to see things, it makes my head hurt. and i swear i look at every possible aspect, in every possible way. i have the ability to see things from ALL sides and sometimes it just hurts so much. i think it would be so much easier to see things without all the gray, but then i wouldn't be me. and i wouldn't be posting this right now, because i wouldn't care about it.

45 comments:

JULIE said...

jenn
you are such a good person

do not ever feel like the mean person...because you aren't

the wedding was truly awesome
aside from that crap

we partied and had fun and had the coolest table on earth

kim said...

you should never feel guilty about being yourself and life is too short to fake your way through. i dont know you well and i like you already!! keep telling it like it is girly!!

Stephanie A. said...

Jenn, I love you for all those gray shades! I think you did the right thing. I hate how we're supposed to feel mean because we stand up for ourselves and hold our ground.

I could be wrong, but I doubt that many men ever find themselves feeling this way. Yet, there are so many women who would be able to echo your words (myself included- maybe I was being harsh? maybe I should feel guilty).

I'm proud of you for sticking to it. It's admirable. Honestly.

Becky said...

i am the same way and i get you totally. i've lost touch and had bad break ups with friends before. and even though i know its better we dont talk and its not even my fault that we dont talk i still feel guilty. even when i shouldnt. and i hate that. i wish i couldnt but i just do. i can totally relate. xo

Jimboliah said...

you're so dam fake it hurts my head sometimes :P hahahahahaha god imma a great liar.... i think you shoulda threw a fuck u bitch in there! Rawr

Happy Day

Christina_the_wench said...

Keepin' it real. High five ^^^

And no more caffeine for you.

Moo said...

I love this post..for everything it says..and more for how well you say it. I heart you..don't sweat it, g/f! *smooch*

Beth said...

We women need to stop feeling guilty. We should tell it like it is. Why do we have to walk around and 'pretend' all the time? I hate being fake with people too, so I try hard not to.
Good for you for being you. There is nothing to be ashamed of, or feel guilty for. She obviously has issues!

Melissa said...

It is better in my opinion to be real than to be fake. And if real is seen by people as mean at times, well...fuck em. I wouldn't have talked to her either.

teddybearz said...

Julie is right. You aren't the mean person. Even when you're pissed off you aren't very mean. :)

Kevin Charnas said...

Amen Jen. That's why I loved you right away, you're real - in every sense of the word. And that's awesome. It's far from easy to be when in our society, we're somehow taught that we have to like everyone, at least to their face. I fucking HATE bullshit and there's no way in my world that I can put up with it. I FUCKING HATE IT! Instead of bullshitting, why couldn't she have just waved, or smiled, or said, "Hi Jen" and leave it at that? Not even a "How are you?" because this is another thing we say that's full of shit in our society, "How are ya?" - you can tell when they really don't care how the fuck you are. So, why ask? Just say, "Hi"... you know? But to come up and try and HUG you?
I'm just glad that you didn't kick her in her crotch and pepper spray her.

Izzy said...

To thine own self be true...

And you are. Good for you :)

Becky said...

kevin!!!! i love you. seriously, his comments crack me up!!!!

jen said...

hahaha, I KNEW you would come back and post some drama!!! I'm so glad you are someone who can keep it real!

penguininthesun said...

I HATE when people act like nothing bad has happened and pretend everything's ok. I'm not saying i've never done that, but pretending something's ok doesn't make it true.

Virginia Belle said...

i'm sorry, sweetie. encounters like that are so awkward and always painful. they tend to bring up a lot of bad memories, i know. i hope you two live far away and won't have to see each other again.

i don't think you are mean. just human. sometimes people grow apart, and that's ok. she needs to let it go and you shouldn't feel guilty for having moved on while still disliking her. {{{hugs}}}

i have to say, i am the same way. i can't be fake. i'm a terrible liar. i would have done the same thing.

Virginia Belle said...

I DID IT!!!!! I finally caught up!!!!

*VB wipes sweat from brow.*

Whew!

Mel said...

Good. I'm glad you did that. Even if she never gets it and recreates it in her mind to make herself the poor mistreated one, you did the thing that was right. You weren't a liar or a cheap fake. To me, that's the high ground. And that silly bee-eye-tee-charlie will never understand the satisfaction that comes with being true to your own principles.
Good job. [applause]

ginger incognito said...

Congrats on being a real human person, and not some plastic moron! Anyone who thinks otherwise has a little too much glue keeping his/her head on.

Piece of Work said...

My brother in law (who is a complete asshole) frequently emails me or says things to my husband on the phone--completely assinine things like calling him a skumbag or saying I'm a a lazy kept woman--and then appears at family functions with this big smile like nothing ever happened. It's unbelievable. This happened a couple times and then I put my foot down and kind of made a scene--since then they don't go to family functions if we are going to be there. So much better not having to deal with them.
Anyway, I know what you mean.

MelissaMM said...

Jenn, what I love about you is your honesty. Plus, you're hot!

You're going to feel how you feel and that's ok. It's better to be real about your feelings, then do the obligatory hug/smooch "Oh how are you?" BS. Fuck her for her crappy "apology" and for having the gall to apologize on your behalf.

You probably had your words with her when everything went down so no need to beat a dead horse. Don't question your reaction. You were at a wedding having a good time.

Crappy people that make you feel crappy suck!

mollymcmommy said...

jenn, you don't need people like that in your life to bring you down. life is short, and she sounds so not worth it.

i wrote about breaking up with girls a little while ago and it was so therapeutic (also therapeutic to bitch her out!)

i had read an article talking about breaking up with girls, friendships etc. and at the end the advice was to pick a day like a smoker does when quitting and just move on.

sometimes easier said than done.

good for you for standing your ground and being "you" and not fake.

m

texas math said...

"what happens when keepin it real goes wrong"

Sorry, thats what popped in my mind when I read your post...thank you Dave Chappelle.

And yes, there's no reason to be as fake about it as her.

Catherine said...

That was a beautifully written post, Jennster. I can relate to everything from the "WHAT did you just say??" feeling all the way down to the guilt afterward. But you handled it so well! I'm proud. :)

Kristin said...

Well done!

You are very "real" and that comes across in your blog... you have so much energy and life that I couldn't imagine anyone ever thinking they could get away with speaking for you!!

sweatpantsmom said...

It sounds to me like you did the right thing. I know someone exactly like this and if she were to ever come up and hug me I would have to run and take a shower afterwards.

Good for you for keepin' it real.

Mommy off the Record said...

It's hard not to give in to the fakeness, especially at public events. You were good to keep it honest.

Undercover Angel said...

I wouldn't feel bad or guilty. Always be true to yourself first... You have to be you - don't try to be anything else - you are great just the way you are...

Yorksdevil said...

If you were mean you wouldn't feel bad.

I hate two-faced people. I try to be civil with people as I don't see much point in going out of my way to be nasty to someone, but I wouldn't head over and act like the best of friends with someone I don't get on with - That's just stupid!

Mammawannabe said...

I wish I could be more like you...I would have just stood there, nodding and listening.

Don't ever second guess yourself for who you are - you are a good person, and you happen to know how to stick up for yourself and what you believe in! I'm proud to "virtually" know you, simply because...you.kick.ass. 'Nuff said there.

When do the "How to develop Jennster's backbone" classes start? I want to be the first to sign up!!!

Antique Mommy said...

Some people might say let bygones by bygones and forgive and forget and all that, which is wise, but having been in that situation, sometimes it's better to just let a season come to an end and move on without looking back. And there's no need to feel guilty about that. If you do feel guilty, there's always Otis Spunkmeyer.

Angry Dad said...

Remind me never to say, "No Jenn, you're wrong, and you are thinking about it the wrong way"... cause I'll get my ass whooped from a distance, and it will still hurt!

As you said, its not your problem, its hers. Like my wife always said, its not your problem until you own it, and you definitely don't own it anymore! She does.

Chill Sista.

Jenn said...

I'm the same way. I'm NEVER fake. I hate being fake and I hate fake people! I'm not mean, but I'm not overly gushy to people who don't deserve it either.

So anyway, good for you!!

mothergoosemouse said...

I understand. Sometimes it's just not worth it to resolve all the old messy issues (or put them aside, as it seems like this person wanted to do). Sometimes we'd just rather move on.

Anonymous said...

Hi Jen. I came across your blog and love reading it and seeing your perspective. I agree with most of what you say and feel the same way so often. It is a better way to live being honest, then to live a fake life with regret. Rock on sister!
Luanne
E-mail me if you like.
lu.rodgers@gmail.com

Nikki said...

I know that guilty feeling too, but you just gotta drive on. Realise you did the right thing by not giving her her way.

I say well done Jenn.

Oh, The Joys said...

I like this post. I find it really hard to relate to people in that fake, small talk-y, chit chatty, b.s. way. What is the point? Why bother? Don't cave to the fake people!

Jay said...

I'm all for sticking to your guns. Who cares what others think?

Lisa said...

I have much more respect for those people who don't bullshit around. You always know where you stand with them. This quality of being honest is what makes you a great friend. Because those other kind (who act like things are great when they aren't) just weasle out on you when you need them most.

Jodi said...

OHMYGAWD. I think you and I may be the same person. email me, we'll chat. I had almost the same EXACT thing happen to me. I am NOT kidding. LORDY oh Lordy.

Anonymous said...

To thine own self be true, right?

~Jenny
http://blogs.chron.com/mamadrama/

chelle said...

It sounds like you were very true to yourself and your feelings. That is very healthy and most people appreciate it!

Kristin said...

I took a tip from the Jennster handbook yesterday!! My lame ass cousin called and was all snivel this and snivel that and I fianlly said, "listen, you make your own drama... you have 2 kids, cope already."

& I felt very Jennster about the whole thing! ;-)

CAT said...

I wouldn't let it bother you-you didnt go to NY to be with her, but to have a rockin time with Tray, which you did---so YAY!!!

heidi said...

I recently just defriended someone who I have loved for a long time. But she fuckign deserved it and said some of the nastiest shit and then tried to email an apology after and I'm all like...Awww hell-to-the-no and I do NOT feel bad about it at all. So ummm, my point is, don't feel bad for one second because people suck and that is not your fault.