the wedding this past weekend brought about the "reuniting" of a few people who parted ways on very bad terms. i knew going into it, that i would be seeing this person at the wedding, but i had no intention of talking to her. in my opinion, she's someone who doesn't deserve my friendship, nor my time of day. so imagine my surprise when she comes up to me during the cocktail hour and tries to give me a huge hug as if nothing had ever happened between us. i looked at her ackwardly and asked her if she thought this was weird? she put on a fake smile and attempted to act innocent while questioning me on why on earth this would be weird. then she waved her hand at me and said that all the things that happened were "so long ago" and that "we both said some mean things.. i'm sorry for my part and i know you're sorry for yours." that's where i interjected with a "no, i'm not." first rule of jennster- DO NOT EVER speak for me. do not tell me what i think and/or feel. if you want to know, ask me and i'll tell you- but do not pretend to know or assume anything.
so she tried to have a conversation with me, but i wasn't very receptive. i questioned everything because i didn't believe 95% of what was coming out of her mouth. you see, i refuse to be fake. i'm not going to pretend like things are great, when they aren't. and that's the bottom line. it has nothing to do with being over the things she said or not. it has nothing to do with holding onto anger or letting it go. it has everything to do with just fucking being real about it. i would have been more open and receptive to her, had she approached me in a different way. a way that actually made sense. i would have given her the decency of an honest conversation. but i guess that was asking too much. because there i stood, looking at someone who had the fakest smile ever, and quivering lips, trying so hard so act like things were great and no big deal (when i know that her head wasn't thinking that at all). so i'm glad that i wasn't very nice to her. because at least i was honest. at least i was real. at least no one can ever accuse me of being fake and full of shit. but i'm sure from her perspective i'm this evil bitch who was trying to brawl at one of my closest friends weddings. as if.
i'll admit that i felt bad about it for a little while after. that i almost felt like i owed her an explanation as to why i was so cold. like i needed to explain myself to this person. i felt guilty for not being nice. and i was going to go to her table and talk to her, but i guess they left early. i thought about emailing her to try to get her to see my point of view. but then things happen to remind me why it serves no purpose to do so. and i remember that it's virtually impossible to get her to see things from any other perspective than her own. and then i remember why i don't trust her, and remind myself that i was right when i saw through her & questioned her. because i know the type of person she is, and how she deals with things. i know that it's easier for her to be nice to your face, but talk shit behind your back. and i know that she'll apologize for things she's said- but she won't really be sorry. because she thinks apologizing makes her the "better" person. even when it's not meant. not honest. not sincere.
i'd rather be real. even when it makes me the mean person. because at least it's honest. at least i'm not lying to anyone's face. and at least i'm not lying to myself. i just hate how i will feel bad for it. i hate how i see things not only in black & white, but in a billion shades of gray. there are so many factors and perspectives and ways to see things, it makes my head hurt. and i swear i look at every possible aspect, in every possible way. i have the ability to see things from ALL sides and sometimes it just hurts so much. i think it would be so much easier to see things without all the gray, but then i wouldn't be me. and i wouldn't be posting this right now, because i wouldn't care about it.