Wednesday, April 12, 2006

swallowing a bitter pill

i promised i'd blog about why blake's dad taking him to LA pissed me off so much, so here goes: i guess a little background would be best. blake's dad and i were never married. i found out i was pregnant once i'd moved back down to LA (from northern cali) and we had been broken up.

being from LA i associate everything about LA (malibu, dodger games, disneyland, sunset blvd, the getty museum, universal citywalk, surfrider beach, santa monica, the angels, newport, griffith park, the train museum, pony rides in the park, etc) as being mine. i get very territorial when it comes to that whole area and sharing things from there with blake. i think it's because i want him to associate these things with me. i want certain memories to be MINE. blake's dad can have everything up in san francisco, where he lives, associated with him. take it, cause i certainly don't want it. who wants to associate with the giants? EW!

i used to work for disney and i had one of the coveted silver passes (me + 3 people get in free almost anytime). as a result of that silver pass (which i miss DEARLY by the way), blake and i would go to the land of dis often. and by often, i mean usually twice or more a month. so when blake's dad had him for 5 days this past week, imagine my surprise when he told me he was taking him to southern cali, for the sole reason, to visit disneyland. nevermind the fact that i just took blake there a month ago. why would you take a kid to a place he practically grew up in? it's not like blake even gets excited to go there anymore. why would you drive 6 hours to take him to disneyland, of all places? it just irked me beyond belief. partly because i feel like since i don't live there anymore, there is no reason blake should be going there without me. if blake is ever spending time in la, seeing his cousins (my sister and her kids), etc- it should be when he's with me.

i realize this is completely ridiculous and that i don't own the southern part of california. i realize that. i just don't care. i think i just get bitter. like if anyone is sharing all those things with him, it should be me. it's my territory. my turf. i know i sound pyschotic. and even when i lived down there, things would upset me. for example, i grew up going to this one park and feeding the ducks as a kid. and i wanted to share that with blake too. it was one of my memories growing up that i loved and i wanted to give that to blake. so i would take him there often and we would feed the ducks and it just warmed my heart that he would have this silly memory of feeding stupid ducks, just like i did. and then his dad started taking him there all the time. and well, that just downright pissed me off. like, can't you get your own memories???? do you have to traipse all over mine? why do i have to share everything with you? do something i don't do with him. take him somewhere i don't take him. get your own freaking ideas cause i don't want to share mine with you. i know i really do sound awful about all of this. it's just that i want my own memories with him. i think since his dad and i have always been seperate and never been together when it comes to blake- i want seperate memories. either that or i'm heading for the loony bin.

21 comments:

texas math said...

Not knowing you personally..I'd say you're headed for the looney bin...

However I don't think you're being too unrational, but you should realize that no matter how many times your son's dad takes him to Disney Land...it will never cross over and mix with the memories that you have already made with your son.

P.S. I think its a little too early for you to be this drunk..please lay off the booze and write happy posts again..thanks.

Becky said...

well i'll be going with you because i'm the same way and its refreshing to hear that youre just as crazy as me. because matt seriuosly thinks i got problems cuz i get SO mad about stuff like that. obviously not about matt having memories with hannah cuz we've built memories with her together. but i mean about other things i obsess about like strip clubs or my sister in law or whatever...its just nice to see that youre that upset about that because that means that i'm not the only one who gets upset about things that everyone else would find silly.

Becky said...

tony doesn't see that you never get drunk and not everyone can be happy all the time. does he?

texas math said...

I guess since I don't know Jenn personally and I have wild imagination...

I choose to imagine that she's currently sitting at her desk slowly sipping on the flask of whiskey she has stored away in the middle desk drawer. And as soon as she reads this comment she'll laugh and reach yet again for the flask....

jen said...

my son has never met his dad, but the day is coming soon since we're talking and live in the same state.
If I were in your situation, I'd probably feel the same as you, although I would not have the guts to blog about it. Thanks for keeping it real! Screw it, you are gonna make better and cooler memories with your son anyways!!!

Becky said...

haha yeah tony jenn rarely drinks. so you can't blame the booze for that post!

Melissa said...

I think that sucks and that you have every right to be pissed off. It almost seemed like he tried to one up you. My dad always tried to do that to my mom. Now I call it Disneyland daddy, where it was always supposed to be fun for us when we were with him. And when we were little it was ok, but as I got older, I realized that the time with my mom was more fun. Plus she's way cooler and I know you are too.

Kristin said...

i would let it go...(even though dad sounds like a tool! and douchebag!) because it will hard for you to act joyful at blake's fun time when you are thinking, "your dad sucks." i don't think what he (dad) did was right and i think it could be seen as getting you rather than pleasing blake... however, maybe he is just a dumbass and has no clever ideas...

next time submit him this list:

Sea World
Coronado
Monterey
Grand Canyon
Local Skiing
Ghost Town


poor guy... you can see where coming up with fun things to do with kids in CA is a challenge...

Melissa said...

Possibly because he only knows how to do things with him, doesn't know how to just have down time. Also could be that he tries to fit all the fun he could have in a week or two into two days. That's what my dad says anyways. And I think both are true. Sometimes being a parent is hard on guys, when they are only in dad mode on occasion.

jennster said...

i TOTALLY think that if it was reversed, i'd want to do the same things too- all fun stuff. you just don't see him enough to not want to do fun things.
and he isn't a bad dad. he just isn't a full time one, you know? not by his choice, it's just how it is. there is so much that he has no freaking clue about- and will only truly know if he has another kid and has to live with it 24/7. LOL @ it

Jimboliah said...

when i was a kid.. this giant white goose.... w/ an orange beak.. you all know the kind" fukin atttacked me!!!! thats the only reason i remember that... Tilden Park in Berkeley baby.... i loved that park.. i even think there was a mini train there.. maybe not... haha feeding the geese rocked.... and ya kinda shitty he's follow'n your lead on alot of that.. i agreee ^^ happy day ya nut

Kristin said...

I agree with Melissa... he probably doens't know how to just "be" with Blake... I wonder how it would go if they just spent a weekend hanging around the house and tinkering in the garage?

Lisa said...

I can understand why you think that way... I would too..

Vaguely Urban said...

One of the guys I work with was just talking about the elusive SILVER PASS yesterday. I want one!

(Thanks for your honest post - it was very refreshing.)

Mrs.T said...

This would piss me off too!

My mom worked for Disney for 17 years... I had the same routine with my mom. I think had anyone else taken me, it just would have been weird.

Technically the whole place is differernt with Harbor Blvd like totally not even there anymore. It's so weird to go back after 10 years. Anyway, I'm with you, it would piss me off too.

Side note: I'll be going back for my OHS 10 year reunion this year, and I don't plan on going to the Tragic Kingdom.

Piece of Work said...

I totally understand why you'd feel the way you do, and I'm sure Blake's dad gets it, on some level, too. That's probably part of the reason he does the same things you do: he KNOWS that you have made awesome memories with Blake there, and he doesn't know how to compete with it, so he just copies it. Insecurity as a Dad, probably--and that probably comes from being a part-time dad, not because he's not a good dad. know what I mean? Anyway, I liked what someone said above, that Blake cherishes the memories he has with you already, and no matter what his dad does, that can't change that.

Any plans to write a post about Blake's dad--how it all went down, in the beginning? I'm curious.

Stephanie A. said...

I can somewhat relate. I told a certain someone that I had a "song" with Hugo and that he lit up when I sang it to him. Well, when this someone was babysitting him, she freaking sang that song to him and... he lit up for her. It about broke my heart. And I feel completely juvenile for letting it bother me, but it totally does and I won't share touching info w/ that person anymore because... well, that's obvious, methinks.

Izzy said...

I would be really irritated, too. Maybe because I'm a Virgo like you...lol But perhaps, solely to keep this from eating you alive, you could look at it another way...like Blake can never have too many good memories and the ones of time he spends with his dad can never replace the one's he has of you. You're his MOMMY!

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Cat said...

sometimes having a child with someone you are no longer with is 2 sided. 1.--you dont want to share your kid #2 if he didnt want to share him with you then he'd be the "bastard". I know this cause I have a "bastard" in our life. I dont know what it feels like for someone outside our home to want to share Ryan or take him somewhere. I wonder if I'd feel like you are....kwim?

Virginia Belle said...

oh, this makes me sad for you! why can't he get his own ideas??? just to be devil's advocate, are you SURE he's doing it to piss you off? because disneyland is a pretty obvious destination when hanging out w/kids. maybe it's just a coincidence rather than a jab at you. i don't know. i'm sorry you're upset. i can understand! it would bother me, too.