Wednesday, April 05, 2006

life

my life has changed since i moved from southern cali to northern cali. my work mostly. i worked in a great company, doing an okay job. i was unchallenged and bored beyond belief. i was only busy in spurts and it was rarely consistant. i never thought i'd leave that company though. i had no problems working there until i died. just not in that position.. not in that department. my new job kicks my ass on a daily basis. i work late often and my friday's are 100 times busier than my monday's. i am busier the last hour of work than i am the first hour. it's all sorts of back asswards, but that's okay. i like being challenged and learning new things. and i went from literally one amazing company, to another. and i get to work with the big boss man, and it doesn't get any cooler than that. well, unless he's in a bad mood and doesn't think my antics are cute and funny (even though they always are, dur).

so i got un-asked to be a bridesmaid in a friends wedding. who the hell gets UNasked to be a bridesmaid?? it's a first for me. i understand her reasoning though. i truly do. she wants more from me as a friend than i can give and she doesn't feel very close to me since i moved. and that leads me to this- expectations. do you have high expectations for your friends at this stage in your life? are you a demanding, or high maintenance friend? cause i don't feel like i am at all. i don't require anything from my friends on a daily basis, other than for them to just stay alive. i know that's asking alot. i'm SO demanding. but seriously. i can go months without talking to my closest friends, and it doesn't mean a thing other than the fact that we all have lives, and we're busy living them. it doesn't mean i don't care about that person, or love them, or think about them, etc. i just don't feel the need to be up my friends asses on a daily basis. who has time for that? i certainly don't. not with a kid, this job, and now that i'm living in sin with boyfriend (not to mention trying to plan this damn wedding). i feel like i barely have time to breathe.

anyways, i started wondering if maybe i was a shitty friend? do i come off like i don't care because i don't put expectations on people? that can't be right. because that's just not who i am. i know that if i needed one of my friends, they'd be there for me. just like i would be there for them if they needed me. i also feel like each one of my best friends plays a different role in my life. i know who to go to when i need to talk about certain issues or share certain things. they are each so different, yet together they make up the most beautiful collection of people i've ever known.

what about you? how often do you talk to your best friend(s)? what is your relationship like?

30 comments:

Stephanie A. said...

don't let her cause you to question yourself. from what I see you are totally present in everything you do.

and you have to momentarily forgive her lapse of judgment because she's a bride. some people, when enganged, go from friend to bridezilla. it all has to be ME ME ME!

wait a minute... don't forgive her. if she can't realize what a good friend she has in you, it is seriously her fault.

and no, I'm not up my friends' butts these days. it is called having a life and being busy.

Stephanie A. said...

And I didn't answer your question. My best friend and I talk maybe once every 3-5 months. We see each other about as often too because she lives 4 hours away. Every time we see each other we fall right back into place and have an AWESOME time. Neither of us feels neglectful or neglected.

jennster said...

steph- that's how it is with my best friends too. hell, sometimes i see them once a year cause they all live so far away. but i don't ever feel neglected, nor do i feel neglectful. i don't feel anything. if i'm missing them like crazy, then i make a special trip to connect, you know?

rhonda said...

That is TERRIBLE she did that to you, but hey, it will save you a crapload of money!

Becky said...

ok well this post was great cuz it gives me a chance to talk about stuff i like to talk about! haha. my very best friend morgan and i talk about 3 or 4 times a week...and see eachother once a week on average. and we're ok with this. we both have lives too and we both know if we really need the other we'll be there and we're ok with not seeing/talking everyday. my other close friends i talk to via email a couple times a week. i dont think you expect much OR are a shitty friend. i dont like to talk on the phone much and i dont like to spend my weekends or free time away from matt or hannah too much. so when i do i usually DO see morgan. but thats because my other friends that i feel i would wanna see live too far AND have lives too. i chose friends who all agree with me and we all have the same agreement as far as our friendships go. we dont have to talk everyday to be close. we dont have ot see eahcother all the time to be close. i'm with ya here jenn.

jennster said...

LOL- it really is OK that she did it. and i truly understand her reasons why. i'm not upset about it at all- it's just a weird feeling to be unasked is all.

Melissa said...

That totally sucks. I mean how much do you need from your bridesmaid? ON the other side of that though, some people are really needy.

My best friends and I live in the same area and our kids go to the same school. So, we see each other all the time. But Hubby and I also have friends who live all over. And sometimes I don't talk to them for a month or so, and when I do, it's like no time has passed. I think it does depend how needy you are though. I do think that is sucky to un-ask someone. Maybe you should un-buy her a gift. Don't un-go though, then you can be the better person. ;)

jennster said...

maybe that's just it. maybe this person is far needier than i ever realized. and i'm so NOT the same way at all. i'm not needy. i'm perfectly fine being alone, taking care of my business, and chugging along. i'm so used to being a single mom that i think that mentality has brought me to where i am today.

i'm hoping my real life friends will let me know i don't suck. lol

Alison said...

You don't suck and I can't believe someone un-asked you to be a bridesmaid. What the heck is that?? You and I don't talk on the phone all that often and we certainly don't see each other much because of where we live now, but I don't think of you as any less of a friend! I think about you everyday, I talk about you all the time, and I read your blog frequently to keep in touch. :) You're the best friend anyone could have and I love ya! Shit, even my students know who you are. :)

Beth said...

I am like you. I don't make a huge effort to keep up with my friends from High school on a daily basis. I mean, one lives around the corner, and we see each other, MAYBE once a month. My true best friend is across the country, and we don't even email all the time. Ture friends are ones you can hook up with after a long time, and its like no time has gone by.

jennster said...

ali!!!! {{{{{{ali}}}}} those are big hugs! that's what i mean. we definitely don't talk as much as i think about you, but i also know that if i "needed" you, i could pick up the phone and make it happen. you're my best friend and i've never felt any pressure from you in regards to being that, you know?

Painter Beach Girl said...

My best friend is my sister, she lives in Southern Cal, I am in New England. We talk nearly every day since we both have that Verizon to Verizon free phone thing. She's got me through my messy divorce. I got her through a year of anxiety attacks and being held hostage in her home (by anxiety) on and off for a year or more. There are times we dont talk as much or one of us gets more self centered than the other depending on what is going on in our lives. I think you got busy and perhaps your friend got jealous? We have a right to our own lives and it is also always a two way street. Dont put it on yourself! My sis is planning her wedding and I am glad the drama of my divorce is over so we can focus on the goodness of what is to come for her in her marriage and me in my new life! You seem to be doing well, dont let getting "unasked" bug you because the friend has some issues and should be talking to you about them, not "unasking" you to spite you for something you have no idea about. (ooooo bad grammar, sorry!)

jennster said...

painter beach girl- i think what happened most was that she used to see me everyday at work. and she associated seeing me daily w/our being close. and that isn't there anymore since i'm not there anymore. we never talked everyday on the phone, or anything like that. hell, i don't talk to anyone everyday.
it's okay that she unasked me. truly. i really do understand her reasons for doing so. she wants more, and i can't give that to her. why do i feel like a boy right now? lol

Eileen said...

You live in northern Cali? SF is my fave town of all time. I went to high school there.

Interesting query, because I consider myself a low-maintenance friend as well, but I do find myself currently angry at a close girlfriend who calls me once every three months, and I wish it weren't that infrequent. She'll call, we'll catch up, she'll say, "Let's REALLY get together the week after next," and I've learned not to follow up on those "plans," because it won't happen, and she'll call me in three months again to say hello. I've become resentful. I'm always available for her, but it's all on her terms. I also hate that if I invite her to something, she won't tell me beforehand why she can't come. She'll wait until afterward to tell me why she couldn't come. Acquaintances can do this, but I consider her closer. Hm. I need to do my own post, obviously.

jennster said...

eileen.. i just moved up here in august. it's funny you love SF.. i hate that city. i call it the "wretched, wretched city." LOL.. i love southern california and always will. i am an LA girl. born & raised. :)

and your case is different, because you just have a flakey friend. and no one likes to be flaked on time and time again. i cut someone out of my life once because i depended on her so much when she would say that she would go out with me (i didn't have my son every other weekend, so when i would make plans with her, i wouldn't make plans with anyone else).. the last time she flaked last minute was it. i was done. and for all the friends i've had to cut out of my life for various reasons, i've never regretted it. i've felt relief. and that alone tells you wonders. i speak to that friend now- but it's nothing like it used to be. and that's exactly how i want it. :)

Matt said...

I am not the most consistent friend in the world - I have someone who I consider a close friend that I just talked to yesterday, that I hadn't talked to in probably 5 or 6 months. My best friend (excluding my wife, who I pretty much see daily ;) ), I talk to almost every day, certainly more than once a week. But outside of the super close friends, yeah, I could go months or longer without talking to them, but still feel like we were good friends.

Yorksdevil said...

I try to see my closest friend every few weeks just down the pub for a chat, but when lives move you away from people that is where the internet really comes into it's own. You can now stay in touch with friends hundreds or thousands of miles away for free. It's not as good as seeing them in person but it's a hell of a lot better than not seeing them at all. I don't see my friends as often as I would like but I've always been able to just get on with stuff alone.
Jenn-your 'friend' really should have thought about this before asking you in the first place, what she's done is just mean.

Jimboliah said...

best friends? normally once a week ... sometimes longer.. one of my true friends i dont call as much since he moved 12 hours away but we're always in touch someway or another... but true that... i have friends that i havent spoken 2 for months and we pick up right off were we've left off... its no big deal...

but 2 be asked to not be in a wedding cause you've started to live your own life? haha.. plz...

and you're so up my ass... liar... sometimes i cant breate!!!!!!!!!!!! *comes up for air* LMAO.. good morning ya nut :P

Jenn said...

*shrug* Sometimes it just works out that ya need one less bridesmaid and you think who will take the un-asking the best? Right.....Jennster!! The one who doesn't need to be up my ass and who is the most laid back! =o)

The friends that I still have, I only have because they can live with the fact that I can't be up their asses anymore now that I'm married with child. The ones who take things too personally.....are bye bye. *shrug* It just works out that way.

jennster said...

guys (matt, jimmy, rick)- i love your perspective and appreciate your comments.

jenn- i totally agree. your last paragraph, you and i are so HERE *points to eyes*. i don't have the time to deal with friends in my life with high expectations. i don't have it to give, you know? once you have a child (husband or not) you don't have the time or energy, or willingness to give to those who shouldn't need it from you. i guess that's it. i'm not a needy person, so i can't relate when someone is.

Virginia Belle said...

ok, first of all, i'm WAY behind on reading your blog. stop posting so fast! i can't keep up!

*VB rests hand on wall, leans over to rest elbow on knee and pants*

Ok, about this post. i think you also must be friends with one of my favorite people, Lady Starfish. although i refer to her as "my best friend" it is a little more one-sided than i would like. she also de-bridesmaided me. (she later got divorced.) she told me yesterday that if she gets married to her current boyfriend, i am again invited to be a bridesmaid. i am of course, taking it with a grain of salt. sure, i was hurt, but to be honest, i didn't really have the money to be a bridesmaid anyway. plus, she was trying to make her wedding smaller and have NO bridesmaids, so i wasn't the only one. i got over it. i just love her too much.

she's pretty bad about returning calls and coming for visits (she lives 3 hours away and hasn't visited me in over a year), which makes me sad because she is my favorite person in the whole world to talk to. and it hurts that she's "just not that into me" (if you can use that phrase w/friends), but i take what i can get and make her meet me halfway when i get fed up. for example, i told her it is her turn to visit, and now it's been over a year since i've seen her, like i said.

we go through phases where we talk A LOT and then I won't get my calls returned for weeks. i will tell her i am annoyed, and she usually will start pulling her own weight a little more. i love her too much to ever just write her out of my life completely!

but sometimes people just grow apart. i am grateful for the time i've had with some of my friends, and there is never any hard feelings, but sometimes you just grow apart--your life changes or you are changing as a person and that person just doesn't have as much in common with you anymore. i don't beat myself up about it. but if we want to hang out and pick up like we never skipped a beat, that is just wonderful!

i am happy to see that you are being pretty understanding. you are really cool, Jennster. :)

ok, i'll shut up now. i have rambled enough about friendships!

MelissaM said...

I probably communicate more w/you now than when we worked together...go figure!

But I've been accused of being a "part-time" friend by a few of what I once considered close friends. Of course, most of my friends don't have a child so of course they can plan lunches and get-togethers at the drop of a hat. Like Jenn said: "The ones who take things too personally.....are bye bye" So true!

I do have a core group of friends I can go w/o speaking to for months and pick up the phone and it's like no time has passed. It just works for us that way. Then there are the friends who will "scold" me for not calling them but it's like "hey, your phone dials out too you know" I don't understand why they get upset because I don't keep in touch but it's not like my phone is ringing off the hook with their calls either.

So basically, no, you're not a shitty friend. On the contrary, you're a great friend because you're honest, not overbearing and freakin' HOT!

ginger incognito said...

I talk to my best friends all the time. But it's usually via email and text message. If I don't hear from one for, say, a week, then I get a bit worried about them -- are they sick, etc. I see Muriel about once a month, sometimes more. And Aurora I see every other week. But we all have lives! When Aurora and I were roommates, and I moved out when I got married, she felt "abandoned," so we made it a habit to meet once a week for dinner, her home or mine. It's a tradition that has lasted eight years. (Jeez! I've been married eight years?!?)

I'm still close with other friends, but we maybe see/hear from each other less often. And it's because we all have different things going on or a physical distance between us. I think about them a lot, and when we are together, it's always a fantastic time.

But I don't imagine I'd ever be un-asked to do something for them. It sounds like you and the bride were closer, once upon a time, like when you worked together. And she maybe equated that with best friends forever . . . until she needed a bridesmaid who would shoulder more of the work of a wedding than someone who lives miles and miles away. And maybe that distance is what makes you just friends or "sorta friends," not close friends.

We all put expectations on our friends in that we expect them to love us and support us through thick and thin. Answering our beck and call at all times and always catering to our needs? That's what you hire or marry people for. (Just kidding on that marry part. Sorta.)

jennster said...

melissa(m)- we do totally talk now more than when we worked together. but that's because we have THIS! HAHA! and work was always weird, i feel like i never left my desk (kind of like now).. except to pee and then i always said hi as i ran down the hall!

and thank you for what you said. i think having a kid is a HUGE part of it. my life isn't about my friends anymore. i'm not in high school, or college even, you know? i have way too much going on to deal with drama, or people who need that much (unless i birthed them). lol

spidey said...

You are not a shitty friend at all. I don't talk to some friends for months at a time, but that is okay. I am going to email my best friend who I haven't talked to for months right now, though! :)

Tina said...

eh,I always feel like I'm the bad friend. But I expect nothing of my friends and there for I feel that they should not epect muchf rom me. None of my friends have kids...none and they are welsome to come sit in the park and play with M and I on a saturday afternoon. But hey if they don't want to that's fine to...but don't expect me to get a baby sitter to have lunch withyou on my one of two days off.

Eileen said...

Ah yes, I didn't realize I was dealing with a die-hard SoCaler. I'm actually a native New Yorker, but when I moved to SF in high school I didn't realize the inherent rivalry between LA and SF. They both wish NoCal and SoCal were separate states. Well, you're just gonna have to suck it up, girlie! j/k

PS - am I one of those people whose e-mails don't show up? Let me know and I'll follow your instructions closely... :)

jennster said...

it's just that nor cal and so cal are SO vastly different. just like LA and san diego are too. i am a so cal native and that's just where my heart lies.
and yes fucker- you are a no-reply blogger.
to change it, you just have to edit your profile, and click the "SHOW EMAIL ADDRESS" box. you can change your email address.. that way it includes your email addy when you post comments and people can email you back! YAY!

Megaland said...

like a good friend told me once, "you're old enough to be picky about your friends"...and it's so true. once i got married and had my son, it just made me realize who my true friends were...a lot of them were from my "partying days" and couldn't care less about what really happened in my life...fuck high maintenance friends...seriously, you have enough shit to deal with on a daily basis...you've always been one of my best friends and i never see you...we talk when we need to and that's just fine with me...i have a life, you have a life, it's ALL good in the hood...i talk to one of my bestest friends almost on a daily basis either by email, IM or by phone...we can talk all day and all night if we wanted, but then kids are screaming in the background and then it becomes inevitable...hang up, "bye bye..ttyl"...i see her once a week...my other bestfriends, i talk to once a month or once every couple of months...and we always pick up where we left off, there's a mutual understanding that we all lead busy lives...i love that about my best friends...i love that about our friendship...i just wish you know who could just understand what a real pain in the ass she can be...i mean, you email each other every fucking day almost...geez, does she need a webcam to feel more connected? LOL!

Megaland said...
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